The Not So Thin Mutant
by Red Witch
Summary: Here it is! The remake of one of my favorite movies! A holiday story full of murder, blackmail, mayhem and martinis! Enjoy!
1. The Not So Thin Mutant

**I don't own any X-Men Evolution Characters or those by Dashiell Hammett or a screenplay by Francis Goodrich. This was my favorite, and only movie parody I have ever written and it was one of my favorites. For years you could only find it on the Official Red Witch site but now it's been rewritten and redone for my pleasure. **

**The Not So Thin Mutant**

Xavier wheeled in. "Greetings. As some of you might remember a few years ago Red Witch did a parody of one of her favorite movies. Of course due to some bizarre rulings by a certain website which is more concerned about how things are written other than actual content she had to remove it. I was actually happy that day."

Xavier continued. "But now it's back. I don't know **why **she's bringing it back. Just to torture me I suppose. But to all those people who support and inspire her such as CallistoLexx, Todd Fan, L1701E, RogueFan KC and all others who write fan fiction I say…**THANKS A LOT! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE? WHY DO YOU ENCORAGE HER? SERIOUSLY? DOESN'T THIS NUT HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN…"**

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

"Ow!" Xavier rubbed his head and glared at RW who had hit him with a roll of wrapping paper. "What no mallet?"

**It's being refurnished. Just shut up and make with the introductions. **

"Fine," Xavier grumbled. "Well here it is again a parody of the 1934 classic the Thin Man…"

"Hold on," Pietro zoomed out. "Out of all the movies why is she redoing this one instead of coming up with something new?"

"I guess she's following the Hollywood Trend," Todd hopped out. "I mean every year there's some remake going on. Besides about everyone who's in this movie is dead now. Nobody from the original movie alive left to complain."

"That makes as much sense as anything else she writes," Pietro admitted.

"Will you two get going?" Xavier groaned. They left. "And now for your enjoyment and my continuing torture…Here it is again. The fic that just won't die no matter how hard they try and kill it. And boy do they try…The Not So Thin Mutant."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

In an alternate universe in the middle of downtown New York there was a laboratory. This was the laboratory of that well known inventor Fred Dukes. Right now Fred Dukes was working on his latest invention with his assistant Forge.

"I'm **his **assistant?" Forge shouted as he walked into a lab with a lot of tubes and shiny objects. "**HIM?** You have got to be **kidding** me! The guy has trouble making a peanut butter sandwich for crying out loud!"

"I can hear ya you know?" Fred the inventor was tinkering with some chemicals.

"You realize folks he's going to burn the place down?" Forge grumbled at the audience.

"I will not!" Fred snapped.

"You will too," Forge glared at him.

"Will not!" Fred snapped back.

"Will too!" Forge snapped at him again.

**JUST SHUT UP AND SAY YOUR FREAKING LINES ALREADY! **

"All right! All right!" Forge grunted. "Pushy Author. But I am going to have a long talk with my agent on all the lousy roles I've been getting lately!"

"Just stop being a drama freak and say your lines!" Fred rolled his eyes.

"Fine," Forge sighed. Then got into character. "Mr. Dukes, your daughter's here. I mean stepdaughter. She's your own age for crying out loud! Who'd be stupid enough to marry you with a kid the same age! BLOB ARE YOU LISTENING?"

"YES I AM!" Fred snapped as he dropped the chemicals he was working on. This of course started a chemical reaction which created a small fire. "Oops."

"Here we go," Forge rolled his eyes.

"NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" Fred shouted at Forge.

"WHAT **I** DID?" Forge snapped.

"YES HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY MORE SENSE THAN…" Fred began.

"ME? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO…" Forge retorted.

"Two weeks worth of work ruined! Gone! Zippo! Kaput! And all because of you!" Fred yelled at him.

"More like two minutes worth of work!" Forge snapped. "You weren't even holding the chemicals right!"

"I was too!" Fred snapped.

"Was not!" Forge shouted back. Both were ignoring the fact that the fire was getting bigger.

"WAS TOO!"

"WAS NOT!

"WAS TOO INFINITY!" Fred shouted.

"WAS NOT INFINITY PLUS!" Forge shouted back.

"WAS TOO INFINITY PLUS PLUS!" Fred yelled.

"Plus plus?" Forge folded his arms. "There is no such thing as a plus plus!"

"There is too!" Fred yelled.

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO INFINITY!" Fred yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Are we gonna start this again?" Forge asked. "Don't blame me for your clumsiness! I just came to tell you that…"

"I don't care **what **you came to tell me!" Fred shouted at him. "In the words of Donald Trump, you're fired! Get your things and go!"

"Fine!" Forge snapped. "Have fun putting out the fire!"

"I WILL!" Fred shouted as Forge turned to leave. He blinked. "Fire?"

Fred turned around and indeed saw his lab was blazing out of control. "FIRE! FIRE! WATER! I NEED WATER HERE!"

He grabbed some chemicals and threw it on the fire which made it blaze higher. "THAT IS NOT WATER! REPEAT! **NOT** WATER!" Fred grabbed a fire extinguisher. "HOT! VERY HOT HERE!"

"I **told **you he'd set the place on fire!" Forge snapped and was about to leave when he ran into two people. It was Fred's stepdaughter Rogue and her boyfriend Remy LeBeau. Both were wearing very fancy clothes and coats.

"Did you tell him?" Rogue asked.

"Not exactly," Forge pointed to the fire.

"HOLY…" Remy's jaw dropped at the fire.

"A little help here!" Fred tried to put out the fire by himself.

"Oh for crying out loud…" Rogue grumbled and she grabbed another fire extinguisher to put out the fire. "Remy get that extra fire extinguisher! Now!"

"Rogue?" Fred blinked. "Why didn't someone tell me you'd be here?"

"I **tried!**" Forge snapped getting his coat. "Remember? But nooooooooooooo! You had to keep…"

"Will you stop complaining and get me a bucket or something?" Rogue snapped at him. Blob, sorry to interrupt your work but this is important."

"Oh that's okay," Fred coughed. "I could use a break."

"OW that fire is hot!" Remy grumbled as he tried to put the fire out. "Remy was told there would be very little stunt work in this movie!"

"They lied, deal with it," Fred told him. "Now is that another young man you're going out with."

"It's the same one!" Remy snapped.

"It's been the same one for three months," Rogue told him.

"Sorry! I can't see a thing with all this smoke," Fred told her.

"You would think an inventor would have a sprinkler system in the joint?" Remy groaned. Just then the sprinklers went on, soaking them all. "Great. **Now** they go on!"

"Well at least it's getting rid of the smoke," Rogue coughed. "Now that we can see again, take a good look at him. Please try and remember him because he's going to be your new stepson in law."

"If that's all right with you?" Remy asked.

"And if it's not?" Fred asked.

"Then he's **still** going to be your stepson in law," Rogue said.

"See how much a say we have in this pal?" Fred gave Remy a look.

"You're telling me!" Remy groaned. "Remy's neck is still hurting from that headlock she put me in…"

"That's enough!" Rogue said. "Now…Uh…Dad…Do I **really **have to call you that?"

"Just call me Fred," He sighed. "I don't care **what **the script says, it sounds too creepy for me."

"Amen to that brother," Remy groaned. "Oh look there are some more walls on fire." He moved away to put them out.

"Well get Forge to help you out," Fred noticed Forge was leaving. "Hey where are you going?"

"Home! I'm fired remember?" Forge snapped.

"You are? Who fired you?" Fred scratched his head.

"You did Salami Brain! Remember?" Forge shouted, exasperated. "There's only two of us here! Who **else** could it have been? The power saw?"

"Did I?" Fred blinked.

"YES!" Forge snapped at him.

"Oh, well forget about it," Fred waved his hand. "Just help Remy control the blaze over there before it hits those…"

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!**

"Chemicals," Fred finished the sentence. "That's not good."

"OH GREAT! AND REMY JUST BOUGHT THAT JACKET! OWWWW!"

"I'll go get the burn kit," Forge sighed as he left to assist Remy. "I swear **one** of these days…"

"Okay Fred now we can talk," Rogue said. "Mom's set on a huge church wedding."

"She would," Fred groaned.

"I hate all that fuss but I'll do it on one condition, that you're there to give me away," Rogue told him.

"And what would your mother say to that?" Fred asked.

"She can go to hell for all I…" Rogue began then fell back into character. "I mean it's **my **wedding."

"Wouldn't it be kind of weird?" Fred asked. "Me, you, your mother and her new husband?"

"He can stay home," Rogue quipped. "Please Fred, won't you? You're the only guy she's married that I ever liked. And that's saying something."

"Okay I'll do it," Fred agreed. "Wait a minute, when's it going to be? I'm leaving town tonight!"

"Tonight?" Rogue blinked. "Where are you going?"

"Can you keep a secret?" Fred asked.

"Yes," Rogue said.

"So can I," Fred winked. "I'm not telling anyone. Not even you. I've got an important idea to work on. It's a new invention and I don't want anyone to steal it!"

"We were planning to be married right before Christmas," Rogue told him.

"Oh I'll be back before then," Fred waved. "Hey wait a minute. How can you get married with your powers?"

"Power dampener? Remember?" Rogue showed him her necklace. "You invented it!"

"I did?" Fred blinked. "Oh right! It's part of the story. I'm an inventor. Of course I did. Well I'll be back before Christmas. And that's a promise I **won't **forget. Now where the heck is my lawyer? He said he'd be here. Oh well, how's your brother by the way?"

"He's all right, you know how it is," Rogue shrugged. "Still stuck under Mom's thumb. You're not missing much. He's cuckoo. Nuts. Completely bonkers. A sissy. A total idiot. A complete and total…"

"I GET THE PICTURE!" Pietro shouted from offstage. "GET ON WITH IT!"

"In other words he's like the rest of us," Fred said. "Tell me has Remy seen the whole family."

"Yes and he still wants to marry me," Rogue said.

"You talk like Remy has a choice in this!" Remy shouted off-screen.

"He's a brave man," Fred remarked.

"Not really," Remy walked in slightly charred. "Rather face fire than her any day of the week. Hey I didn't know you invented that smelting process."

"What's smelting?" Fred blinked.

Rogue slapped her hand against her forehead. "Oh for crying out loud Fred, do your research will ya? Show him your watch!" Fred took it out and Rogue pointed at it. "Look, these are the first three metals that came through. Gold, silver and adamantium."

"Oh that's what smelting is," Fred then grunted in pain. "Ow my stomach…"

"Don't tell me you still got that piece of metal junk in your stomach?" Rogue asked.

"War wound?" Remy asked.

"No I mistook it for a donut," Fred told him. "It only bugs me in bad weather."

"What are you talking about? It's sunny outside?" Remy said.

"Won't be for long," Fred said. "Better get home before it is."

"Okay fine, just remember it's December 30th," Rogue said.

"I'll remember," Fred nodded. "Remy you take care of her and show her there is such a thing as a happy marriage."

"I will," The two left the laboratory. "Say why did your Mama divorce him? He ain't so bad. A bit accident prone maybe…"

"He's got a secretary…" Rogue snickered.

"Really? Who?" Remy asked. Rogue whispered in his ear. "You're joking? Oh man that is **priceless!"**

"I know!" Rogue laughed.

"Well from now on Remy will do his own typing," Remy chuckled. "Remy…can't keep a straight face! HA HA HA!"

"IT'S NOT **THAT **FUNNY!" Jean shouted from offstage.

"Yes it **is!**" Rogue shouted back.

They walked outside and it just started to snow. "Fred's a good barometer," Rogue remarked. Just then a huge snowdrift dumped on them. "Maybe a little too good. Quick here's a cab."

Fred Dukes' lawyer Edward Kelly got out of the cab driven by Hank. "Why am I in this stupid picture? I hate mutants! I hate old movies!"

A huge snowdrift landed on him. "And I really **hate** snow."

"Hey Kelly," Rogue said.

"Rogue," Kelly paid the fare.

Rogue shoved him aside. "Can't stop to talk, we're taking your cab!"

"About time!" Remy shoved Kelly into the snow. "Dukes is waiting for you!"

"Thanks a lot!" Kelly got up and brushed the snow off his face. Glaring at Hank he said. "You didn't drive slowly so you don't get a tip!"

"That's okay Mac, I took it!" Hank laughed as he drove off.

"WHAT?" Kelly shouted and realized that Hank had taken a generous tip from his change. "Oh this is just perfect! First he wrecks my school, then he nearly kills me and now he takes my money! I hate this job! I hate my life! And I **hate** mutants!"

WHUMP!

Another drift of snow landed on him. "And I really **hate** a certain fan fiction writer," Kelly glared offstage.

Kelly grumbled obscenities under his breath as he wiped the snow off him and headed into the building. "Dukes! Dukes! Where are you, you…?"

"**Who **do you want?" Fred growled as he stood next to the elevator in his building. "You'd better stay in character here!"

"Or else **what?**" Kelly snapped. Suddenly he was hit by a snowball. "OW! DRAKE!"

"Just say your lines," Fred groaned. "You're just lucky you weren't zapped by a bolt of lightning."

"Fine," Kelly grumbled wiping the snowball off his face. "Mr. Dukes…"

"That's better," Fred grinned. "Did you get my money?"

"Yeah I did," Kelly handed him a large wad of cash from his suitcase. "I wish you'd tell me where you were going!"

"I'm not telling nobody," Fred told him as he accepted it.

"Anybody," Kelly rolled his eyes at the blatant misuse of grammar. "You're not telling **anybody."**

"Them too," Fred remarked.

"But suppose some business comes up?" Kelly asked.

"That's why I pay **your** salary," Fred pointed out.

"Is there anything else I can do?" Kelly asked. "Have you got your ticket?"

"No, not yet," Fred admitted.

"Well at least let me get that for you," Kelly asked helpfully.

"Fine you can get me a ticket for…" Fred caught himself. "Nice try. Goodbye."

"But what do I do if business comes up or somebody wants you?" Kelly shouted. "Is Jean going with you?"

"No, she's not going. And settle it yourself. What have I got a lawyer for? And if I need more money she'll take care of it," Fred told him, closing the elevator door in Kelly's face as he tried to follow him.

Kelly screamed as the elevator went up. "You don't tell me where you're going. I don't know how to reach you. And I don't know **when** or **if **you're coming back! Are you listening to me? Of course not! **Nobody **listens to me! Why do I put up with this…" He kicked the door. "OWWWWWWW!"

Kelly hopped around on one foot. "That's it! I hate this! I HAVE HAD IT! I AM NOT TAKING ANY MORE OF THIS! SOMEBODY CALL MY AGENT! I WANT OUT OF THIS PICTURE!"

"It's a murder mystery," Forge walked up behind him. "That can be arranged."

"Oh shut up!" Kelly snapped. He was hit with a snowball to the face. "AAHHH!"

"Good one Bobby!" Forge called to backstage.

**Next: What happens when Fred finds out that his secretary has been cheating on him in more ways than one? Tee hee…**

"You are just **loving** this aren't you?" Jean glared at the author.


	2. Jean Grey is a Cheat

**Jean Grey is a Cheat**

Fred's business office was on the top floor of the building with his lab down below. He walked in and saw his accounting clerk, Lucid working.

"Hey Lucid! How's it hanging!" Fred said cheerfully.

"Not bad Mr. Dukes," Lucid said. "Some part I got…"

"My stepdaughter Rogue is getting married," Fred told him as he went to the safe in the corner and started to fiddle with the combination. "Nice guy. A bit afraid of fire but you know…"

Lucid's eyes widened and he started to get very nervous. "Oh, that's n-nice. Congratulations."

"I'm gonna make her a wedding present," Fred grinned. "Thought I'd better do it right now before I forget it. I can drop them on my way to…" He opened the door and saw an empty safe. "Okay that's funny. Where are those bonds?"

"Bonds?" Lucid asked innocently. "What bonds?"

"The bonds that are supposed to be inside **this **safe," Fred pointed.

Lucid came from beyond the desk and looked. "There's nothing in there."

"I can **see** that!" Fred snapped.

"Really? Oh I thought you know since I can see things with the door closed…" Lucid said nervously. Fred glared at him. "Okay, shutting up now."

"Where are the bonds? I **know **I put them in there!" Fred snapped.

"Gee I don't know," Lucid gulped. "No clue how they got out of there. Nope. Not a bit. What are you looking at **me** for? I don't know anything. Why would **I** know anything? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Mind's a blank on this one. I haven't a clue…"

Fred grabbed him by the neck and lifted him up with one hand. "Then again…" Lucid coughed. "Maybe Miss Grey has them?"

"Oh really?" Fred asked sarcastically. "She does, doesn't she?" He casually threw Lucid into the wall. Then he stormed out.

Lucid however was stuck headfirst into the wall. "Medic…"

A few hours later in a very glamorous penthouse apartment Jean Grey was wearing a stylized gold dress preparing a cocktail for Duncan Matthews, a goodfella wanna be. "How do you want it?" Jean asked.

"Straight," Duncan was looking at a magazine. "Geeze look at all this stuff you girls wear! And how does **that **go on? Doesn't that **hurt?** And can you really do **that** with an orange? And what is the deal with the midget and the poodle?"

Just then Fred burst into the apartment. Duncan instinctively reached for his gun. "You're in the wrong place Tubby!" He snapped.

Fred merely grabbed the gun and crumpled it into a ball. Then slammed Duncan into the wall with one punch. "Or not…" Duncan moaned.

"What are you…?" Jean asked. "Uh oh…"

"Yeah, uh oh," Fred growled.

"We were just having a little drink," Jean told him.

"So I see," Fred remarked giving her the once over.

"Don't tell me, let me guess…" Duncan got to his feet. "The boyfriend, right?"

"I think you'd better go Duncan," Jean said.

"Good idea," Fred said. "Let me show you the door."

"No that's okay," Duncan nervously inched away. "I can find it myself. I don't want you to go to any trouble."

"Oh its no trouble at all," Fred drawled. He grabbed Duncan by the shirt and threw him at the closed door. "Oh silly me. That door wasn't open. Let's try this again."

This time he opened the door but slammed Duncan into a wall next to the door. "Whoops. I missed," Fred said cheerfully. "You know what they say, third time's the charm!"

The third time he kicked Duncan out of the door. "There you go! Have a nice walk down the stairs!" Fred waved cheerfully.

"OW! OW! OW! THIS HURTS!" Duncan screamed as he tumbled down the steps.

Fred slammed the door and glared at Jean. "All right, who was **that **guy?"

"Just a guy I used to know," Jean shrugged. "Nobody important. AND I MEAN THAT!"

"I thought you'd given up on that sort of friend," Fred grunted.

"Give me a break," Jean told him. "I haven't seen the guy in years. I Didn't want him to think I was stuck up. NOT ONE WORD ROGUE!"

Off camera Rogue called out. "I didn't say a **thing."**

"Don't worry you won't see him again," Jean sighed. "Okay so what happened? You change your mind about going?"

"No, I just wanted to get those bonds," Fred folded his arms.

"Bonds? What bonds?" Jean asked.

"The government bonds that were in my office safe," Fred told her. "The ones you took."

"Oh those bonds," Jean said nonchalantly. "You told me to sell them a long time ago."

"No I didn't," Fred snapped. "I'd never tell you to sell me those bonds! I bought them for Rogue."

"Yes you did. Don't you remember?" Jean put her hand to her forehead. "You told me to sell the bonds. Repeat after me…"

"Nice try, Red!" Fred snapped. "Don't bother trying to wipe my mind either!"

"Right," Jean frowned. "I can't erase what isn't there."

"Ha ha," Fred said sarcastically. "Look Jean, you're counting a little too much on my absent mindedness and your powers. You've been taking a little here and there for some time and I haven't said anything about it. But this is over a couple million dollars! Nobody else had the combination to that safe. You took them! Now what did you do with them!"

"Oh all right!" Jean snapped. "What if I **did **take them? I'm sick and tired of seeing you hand out money to that worthless family of yours!"

"That's my business!" Fred snapped.

"Supporting that gang of loafers! There's not a **one** of them that gives a damn about you!" Jean ranted. "A wife that threw you out the first time your foot slipped and a couple of insane spoiled brats! They wouldn't raise a hand to help you and I've given my whole life for you! If you kicked off tomorrow where would I be? In the gutter. QUICKSILVER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!"

"I wasn't going to say anything!" Pietro giggled off camera. "I swear!"

"Sure I took those bonds!" Jean admitted. "Who has a better right?"

"The IRS?" Pietro shouted off camera.

"I believe someone told you to **shut up?"** Fred snapped at Pietro. Getting back into character he said to Jean. "Listen you! I want that money and I want it now! Or else I'll hand you over to the police!"

"You wouldn't?" Jean snapped.

"Wanna bet!" Fred went over to the phone. "They'll be pretty rough with you and your record…"

"That's a fine thing to throw in my face after all I've done for you!" Jean snapped.

"Believe me I'd love to throw more at you!" Fred snapped as he was about to dial. Jean used her powers to yank the phone out of his grasp. "I do have a cell phone you know?"

"Look," Jean relented. "I don't have all of it. All I've got is twenty five thousand."

"TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND?" Fred shouted. "Where's the rest of it? Not even you can spend that much so fast at the mall! You're gonna return every penny!"

"I don't have it! I never had it! I…" Jean stopped.

"Then there was someone in it with you!" Fred interrupted. "Who was it? Who…? Never mind. I think I have a pretty good idea!"

"What are you going to do?" Jean asked. Fred gave her a strange look. "Do you have gas or something?"

"That's my evil look," Fred was miffed.

"Really?" Jean blinked. "It wasn't that evil."

"It wasn't?" Fred was disappointed. He tried another look. "How about this one?"

"No not quite," Jean shook her head. "But if you're going for a concussion that's that look I'd use."

"Okay how about this one?" Fred tried again.

"A little better but it's not really that menacing," Jean said.

"How about this one?" Fred made a very menacing look.

"Great! Now you've got it," Jean said.

"Okay I'm off to do something evil! Oh sorry! Got out of character here!" Fred got back into character. Jean looked horrified as he left.

**Next: We finally meet the detective, the spouse and the cute little dog that steals the show. And three guesses who plays that last part.**

**"OH NO YOU DON'T!" **Rahne ran out. "Forget it! No way! I already play a bloody dog in every other stupid fic! I'm not gonna be one in **this** one!"


	3. Martinis Anyone?

**Martinis Anyone?**

**Hey gang RW here. Now before you start flaming me for the drinking I just want to point out that it was a big part in the movie. Not my fault that it's in the script. Don't worry thought, all the martinis in props are non alcoholic.**

"_Show me the way to go home…"_ Kelly staggered by smelling of liquor and hiccupping. _"I just wanna go to bed…EVERYBODY SING!" _

**Well most of them are. On with the story!**

A long time passed since that day at Jean's apartment. Soon it was nearly Christmas. And everyone was celebrating. Especially at a bar in a fancy hotel. Well not everyone was celebrating.

"Cheer up Petit," Remy was trying to cheer up his fiancé Rogue at a bar in that fancy hotel. "Remy sure he just fine."

"I'm sorry I can't help it," Rogue sighed. "It's Christmas Eve and Fred's still missing!"

"Remy sure he'll be here for the wedding. He probably just forgot that's all," Remy told her.

"No, not to me," Rogue shook her head. "He'd never break a promise to me! What could have happened…? Hang on! Over at the bar! I know that woman!"

At the bar wearing an expensive and elegant pantsuit was the famous former private detective Althea Delgado-Tolensky surrounded by bartenders. She was demonstrating to them the proper way to make a martini.

"Now remember boys, the important thing is the rhythm, always the rhythm," She explained. "Now each drink has a special rhythm all it's own. Now a Manhattan you shake to a Fox Trot. A daiquiri to a samba. But for a dry martini you always shake to a waltz time. There."

She poured the drink into a glass and set it on a tray a waiter named Ray was holding. She bowed politely and then took the glass and drank it down. "Aahh! There for my next trick…"

Rogue went up to her. "Hello."

"Uh hello," Althea said politely even though she didn't have a clue who this person was.

"We do know each other," Rogue explained.

"Do we?" Althea blinked as she drank another martini.

"Maybe if you didn't keep slamming down the martinis…" Remy grumbled.

"I'm Rogue. You remember. You did a case for my stepfather, Fred Dukes," She explained.

"Oh yeah, Althea nodded. "Now I remember you. How did you remember me?"

"The real question is how can anyone **forget **you?" Remy grumbled.

Rogue quickly elbowed him in the ribs before she continued. "I was fascinated with you. A real live detective. You used to tell me the most wonderful stories. Were they true?"

"Probably not," Althea admitted.

"Remy this is Althea Delgado," Rogue introduced. "She worked on a case with my father."

"Looks like she's working on a case **of booze,"** Remy grunted. Rogue elbowed him in the ribs again.

"Some nut wanted to kill Fred," Althea explained. "How is he anyway?"

"That's what I was going to ask you about," Rogue said. "He's disappeared."

"Disappeared?" Althea narrowed her eyes.

"Now don't say that," Remy groaned. "Maybe he's in a bakery or something."

"I can't find him!" Rogue said. "I've tried everything. I thought maybe you might know…"

"I don't know anything," Althea told her. "I've been in California for the past couple of years. We're staying at the Normandie Apartments for a couple of weeks. What about his lawyer? Kelly was it?"

"He doesn't know anything, big shock," Rogue grumbled.

"Try him again," Althea suggested. "Maybe Fred contacted him by now?"

"It's worth a try. There's a phone over there," Rogue walked away.

Remy sighed when they were alone. "Remy didn't want to say anything but now she's got me worrying too."

"Don't start worrying about him," Althea reached for another cocktail. "For starters he's got that invulnerable skin, remember? He's a good guy but kind of screwy."

"Why did that one guy want to kill him?" Remy asked. "Did it have to do with his inventions?"

"No, it was an all you can eat place," Althea explained. "Ate him outta business in one sitting. You're too worried. Have a drink."

"Uh no thanks," Remy eyed Althea as she downed another martini.

"Then I'll have it," Althea grinned as she ordered another one. Suddenly a commotion was at the door. "What the…?"

At the entrance of the bar was Althea's husband Todd Tolensky, being dragged by what looks to be a silver dog. Actually it was a coyote. Todd tried to hold on to several packages at the same time and was very frazzled even though he was well dressed in a suit. "Down boy! Heel! Heel! Stop already!"

"Hey!" Doorman Paul snapped at him. "You can't bring that dog in here!"

"I'm not bringing **him!** He's bringing **me!**" Todd shouted. "Coyote! Heel! Sit! Stay! Come on already!"

Of course Coyote paid no attention to him and dragged him right to Althea. Todd let go of the packages and the leash and fell flat on his face.

"Sir you can't bring a dog…A coyote in here!" Doorman Paul did a double take. "COYOTE? THAT'S A REAL COYOTE! ARE YOU NUTS? THINK OF THE LAWSUITS WE'RE GONNA GET!"

Todd got up and looked at Althea. "So it's you he was after. It figures."

"Hi babe," Althea grinned. "Getting your daily exercise?"

"He's been dragging me to every gin mill on the block!" Todd snapped.

"I did take him for a walk this morning," Althea shrugged.

"I thought so," Todd gave her a look. "He even dragged me into the ladies' room! **That **was a fun experience!"

"Remy this is my dog and my husband," Althea introduced.

"You could have introduced me **first,**" Todd gave her a look.

"Sir please! You have to take that…that animal outside!" Doorman Paul protested.

"But I just got here!" Todd told him.

"I meant the **coyote!**" Paul snapped.

"Don't worry he'll behave himself," Althea waved.

"Which **one?**" Remy quipped. "The coyote or your husband?"

"Fun-eeee," Todd gave him a look. "Don't worry. Coyote will be fine. As long as there isn't a fire hydrant. What I went though today…"

"But what if he bites someone?" Paul asked.

"Unless they're a lawyer I wouldn't worry," Althea told him. "He's well trained. I meant the coyote of course. Watch this. Sit! Coyote! Sit!"

The Coyote did nothing. "Stay! Stay!" Althea ordered. All the Coyote did was wag his tail. "Lie down. Okay then stand up then."

Then the Coyote sat down. "See? Perfectly trained," Althea shrugged.

"I need an aspirin," Doorman Paul moaned as he walked away. "And a new life…"

Rogue walked back excitedly. "He's just around the corner!"

"Who? Fred?" Althea asked.

"No, Kelly! Come on Remy let's go!" Rogue grabbed Remy by the arm and dragged him out the door.

"Nice to meet you aaaaaaaaaaallllllllll!" Remy screamed. "Chere! You're **breaking **my arm!"

"Interesting guy," Todd said as the two sat at the table.

"If you like 'em like that," Althea shrugged. "Not really my type."

"And what is your type?" Todd asked.

"Only you darling," Althea drawled. "Lanky amphibians with wicked tongues."

"So who is he?" Todd asked.

Althea then acted dramatic. "I was hoping I would never have to tell you this. Remy is my former lover. You see it was Spring in Venice and I was oh so young. I didn't know what I was doing. We're all like that on my father's side."

"By the way how is your father's side?" Todd asked.

"Much better thanks," Althea grinned.

"Just how many martinis have you had?" Todd asked.

"Six," Althea told him.

"Okay," He caught the attention of a waiter and ordered. "I want six martinis all lined up. You're not going to have anything over me."

"CUT!! CUT!" Lance ran in before Althea could get in her line.

"Hey! This is our scene! What's the matter yo?" Todd asked.

"What are **you** doing in this fic?" Lance pointed at the Coyote. "And how are you even in this fic! You're a figment of my deranged imagination!"

"Wolf girl didn't want the part so I took it," Coyote shrugged. "And remember a little something called a McGuffin Device?"

"Remember a little something called a baseball bat?" Lance snapped.

"Lance it's just a parody, deal with it," Althea rolled her eyes.

"Hold on a second," Todd was reading a script of the original Thin Man movie. "Something's screwy about this dialog here! Wait a minute! Al how did you get the guy's lines and I got the girl's lines! That don't make sense!"

"I'll tell you another thing that doesn't make sense!" Sabertooth stormed out. "Me playing Mystique's husband! Forget it! YOU HEAR ME RED!

**Hold on a second folks while I deal with some casting problems. WILL YOU MANIACS KNOCK IT OFF! **

Lance was shouting. "You put that stupid coyote in this movie? Are you **nuts?"**

"That's a rhetorical question," Althea quipped.

"Hey she's giving the public what they want!" Coyote snapped. "Is it my fault that people find me adorable?"

"I can't believe I got the **girl's **part!" Todd groaned.

"You are so picky!" Althea looked at him.

"I am **not** being picky!" Todd glared at his girlfriend. "I'm a guy! I should get the guy's part! Not the girl's part!"

Sabertooth was shouting offstage to Mystique. "I hate you!"

"I hate you **more!**" Mystique stormed onstage.

"I hate this stupid movie!" Lance shouted.

"So do I!" Sabertooth agreed.

"I want my agent!" Todd yelled.

"Oh get a grip Toddles," Althea rolled her eyes.

"That's easy for **you **to say!" Todd snapped at her.

"Is everybody happy?" Kelly staggered in hiccupping. Everyone glared at him. "Well exuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeee me!"

"He's **still** drunk?" Lance asked.

"Wuss," Sabertooth groaned.

**ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT ALREADY! IF YOU ALL SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!**

"You'd better Red," Lance huffed.

**Okay first Lance, Rahne didn't want the dog part so I gave it to the Coyote. He was the next obvious choice. That's final! Got it!**

"YES!" The Coyote danced around. "IN YOUR FACE! I AM THE BEST! WHO'S THE BEST? I AM THE BEST! UH HUH, UH HUH, UH HUH…"

"God not only does he sound like Pietro he's twice as hyper and has a bigger ego," Mystique winced.

Pietro zoomed in. "He does **not!"**

"I'm even cuter than Pietro," The Coyote preened.

"You are not!" Pietro snapped.

"I am too!" The Coyote snapped back.

"Are not!

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"ARE TOO!"

"ARE NOT TIMES INFINITY!"

"SHUT UP THE BOTH OF YOU!" Mystique yelled. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! ONE OF YOU IS BAD ENOUGH!"

"Welcome to my world, lady," Lance told her.

"Okay now why do I have the Nora part in the movie and she gets the Nick part?" Todd asked.

**Okay the original movie was in the Thirties right? Well I wanted a feminist slant on this story!**

"Sexist!" Todd folded his arms.

"What are you complaining about?" Althea gave him a look. "It's not like you don't have enough screen time or great lines! You're still the male lead! It's just that the roles have been flip flopped."

**Not to mention…Well…**

"Well what?" Todd asked.

"She won't say it so I will," Althea sighed. "Todd, Sweetheart, I've seen the movie. The detective lead has to be really gung ho and cunning and well…It's not that I don't think you're not brave or anything. But let's face it, you are a lot more like Nora than I am!

"He's more like Nora than any of us," Lance said. "Including Pietro."

"And Nora has to have some backbone which the little twerp definitely doesn't have," Sabertooth indicated Pietro.

"I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE YOU KNOW?" Pietro snapped.

"Do I get a lot of smooching time?" Todd asked.

**Yes, and even a scene where you share the same bed.**

"Oh in that case never mind!" Todd said cheerfully.

**I thought that would make you happy.**

"IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?" Kelly hiccupped. "_Happy, happy…Joy, joy…"_

"I don't know what he's on but I want some," Sabertooth blinked. "Wait what about my problem! I don't want to be Mystique's husband that's for damn sure! One romance with her was **more** than enough to scar me for life!"

"The feeling is mutual!" Mystique snapped. "And while we are on the subject why did you pick Pietro to be my son instead of my **own** son Kurt?"

"Have you **seen** the movie?" Althea gave her a look. "The part Pietro plays is an insane effeminate little twerp."

"You're right," Mystique realized. "He does fit the bill better than Kurt does."

"What is this? Pick on Pietro Day?" Pietro snapped. "What did I ever do to you?"

"You want the short list or the long," Todd gave him a look.

**Okay Sabertooth you can play a different part. **

"Thank you!" Sabertooth breathed a sigh of relief.

"But who is going to play my husband?" Mystique asked. "Logan?"

**No I got him playing a detective. Now to fit the part we need a young roguish guy. Someone who can be charming when he needs to but also sneaky and dangerous. **

That's when everyone looked at Lance. "Oh no! I'm not going to do it!" Lance snapped. "FORGET IT!"

**The part does call for a much younger man.**

"No way!" Lance snapped.

**It's not that big a part. You don't even have to kiss Mystique. **

"Still not enough," Lance folded his arms.

**You even get to treat Mystique like dirt.**

"As tempting as that is, NO!" Lance snapped.

**I'll pay you.**

"Not enough money on the planet," Lance said.

**I'll feature you in more stories. **

"Still not interested," Lance said.

**I can put you back together with Kitty…**

"OH GOD NO!" Lance snapped.

**All right I'll put you with a few other girls then. Including Willow.**

"You've got a deal," Lance said. "Where are my lines?"

**Finally! Everyone's happy! Can we get back to the fic now? Okay! Places people! Next scene! Guys get in your places!**

"_Sing…Sing a song…"_ Kelly hiccupped. _"Sing something something…" _

**Somebody get Kelly sober for the next scene quick so we can get back on track? **

"I got a hangover pill that might work," Lance took Kelly by the arm. "Shipwreck keeps 'em by the caseload. Come on Kelly."

"All aboard! Chooo Chooo…" Kelly hiccupped as everyone got ready for the next scene.

**Oh brother. Well let's get back to the story. I hope…**


	4. Anybody Get the Number of that Martini?

**Anybody Get The Number of that Martini?**

Not long later in Todd and Althea's hotel apartment…

"Ooooohhhh," Todd lay on the bed with an ice pack firmly secured on his forehead. "What hit me?"

"The last martini," Althea casually mixed another cocktail. "Want a pick me up?"

"NO!" Todd snapped. Then winced in pain. "How come you ain't got a hangover?"

"I'm Shipwreck's daughter, remember?" Althea told him.

"I forgot. With your bloodline anything less than an entire bar full of liquor can't hurt you," Todd moaned. "I can't lie here. I gotta help you trim that damned Christmas tree."

The Coyote bounded over. "Rise and shine! Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!" He licked his face.

"Why are **you** so cheerful this morning?" Todd grunted. Then the doorbell rang. "Now who could **that **be?"

"Santa Claus," Althea quipped. "Take it easy. I'll get it." She left the room and went to open the door. She saw Kelly who looked even more hung over than Todd was. "Kelly! How are you doing?"

"How do I **look** like I'm doing?" Kelly moaned. "What was I **drinking?"**

"You don't want to know. Come on in," Althea let him inside.

"Thank you," Kelly staggered inside. "Oh my head. Why am I here again? Great I forgot my lines…"

"I wonder if Todd Fan has these problems?" Althea remarked. She got a copy of the script out and handed them to him. "Here. Read."

Kelly squinted. "They're so tiny…I can't read my lines! Oh it's no good. My eyes hurt too much to read such tiny words. Owwwww…."

"Oh for crying out loud…" Althea groaned.

**CUT! Okay here's what we are gonna do. Xavier take the script. You are gonna give Kelly his lines telepathically. Kelly just say whatever Xavier tells you to.**

"This is my job?" Xavier grumbled as he took the script. "To be nothing more than a living cue card?"

"I don't want **him **in my head!" Kelly snapped.

"The feeling is mutual," Xavier gave him a look.

**JUST DO IT! Okay, pick it up where we left off and action!**

"Come on in," Althea tried again.

"Thank you," Kelly said. "Rogue told me where you were. I was going to telephone but the little green men stole it."

**Xavier keep the ad-libbing down to a minimum will you? **

"Why? Everyone **else** gets to do it?" Xavier called offstage.

"Okay," Althea was slightly thrown off. "Kelly do you want a drink?"

"Yes," Kelly said. "I love to drink. Drink, drink, drink a lot of rum. I love rum. Rum and vodka and margaritas. _Wasted away again in Margaritaville_…OKAY I **KNOW** **THAT'S** NOT IN THE SCRIPT!"

**XAVIER KNOCK IT OFF! **

"Just having a little fun," Xavier huffed.

**Just keep going people…**

"I wanted to see you," Kelly said. "Which is the biggest lie I have ever said."

**XAVIER!**

"No, actually **that time** it was me," Kelly told the author then went back into character. "What's Mystique up to Althea? You know, Rogue's mother?"

"I dunno, is she up to something?"

"She usually is," Kelly grumbled. "Trying one way or another to get more money out of Dukes. Or my bank account. I wanted to find out if you were sleuthing for her."

"I haven't been a detective for years," Althea told him. "My husband recently came into a ton of money and we've been living the high life off of it. He's got some pretty good business sense actually. You know it was his idea to invest in the Larry Welder books?"

"Wonderful," Kelly grimaced. "Just what the world needs. More rich mutants."

"What's all the fuss about? Is he in hiding?" Althea asked.

"You know as much as I do," Kelly threw up his hands. "I haven't seen him in months. Not a single word. Except when he needs money he sends a message through Jean Grey. I give it to her and she gives it to him."

"So **that's** still on huh?" Althea remarked. The phone rang and she picked it up. "It's for you, your office."

"Thanks," Kelly took it.

Todd wobbled in with the ice pack still on his head. "Ooh! I must still be drunk. I hear bells."

"That was the phone," Althea told him.

"What did you say?" Kelly spoke into the phone. "Where is he? Very well." He hung up.

"Back in town is he?" Althea asked.

"Yeah, forgive me but it's no joke working for a maniac like that. I must be off," Kelly went to the door. "Goodbye. So long. Farewell. Adviedizane Goodbye…THAT'S FROM THE SOUND OF MUSIC XAVIER!"

"See ya," Althea just went with it. "Merry Christmas!" She shut the door loudly.

"If anyone says 'Merry Christmas' once more," Todd winced in agony. "I'll kill 'em."

"I'm gonna call Rogue and let her know Dukes is in town," Althea went for the phone.

"Good idea," Todd went towards the tree. "I'll decorate…COYOTE! NO! DON'T EVEN **THINK **ABOUT IT!"

"Tee hee.." Coyote sniffed the tree. "Too late…"

"Bad figment of Lance's imagination!" Todd scolded. "Bad figment of Lance's imagination! Great and we just got that rug cleaned!"

"Now I've got a headache," Xavier groaned offstage.

"Not to mention another bill," Althea said. "This re write is funded by your account. Like the first one."

"NOT AGAIN!" Xavier groaned.

**Next up: Meet the rest of Rogue's oh so charming family. **


	5. It's About Time Somebody Got Killed

**It's About Time Somebody Got Killed**

Now we turn to another fancy apartment across town. It was the home of Mystique, her two children and her new step husband. Mystique wearing a fancy blue gown heard the telephone ring and went to answer it. "Mrs. Alvers speaking…"

"YOU OWE ME BIG TIME RED!" Lance shouted off camera.

"SHADDAP!" Mystique snapped. She changed her tone as she turned her attention back to the caller. "Oh no, she isn't here. Can I take a message? Is it about Dukes? Where is he?"

Rogue walked in. "That's for me isn't it? Give it to me!"

"I said she wasn't here…" Mystique tried to keep the phone away from her but was unsuccessful. "Oh here she is…"

"Hello," Rogue listened on the phone. "Oh well I'm glad he's all right. Thank you for calling Althea. Goodbye."

"What is it? Has she found him?" Mystique badgered Rogue when she hung up.

"He's fine, isn't that enough?" Rogue gave her a look.

"No it isn't!" Mystique snapped.

"You just want money and you haven't a right to any more!" Rogue snapped. "He's made a huge settlement on you so cool it you old hag!"

"How dare you call your own mother an old hag!" Mystique snapped.

"I could call you a lot worse!" Rogue snapped back.

"You know as well as I do that money was gone a long time ago! I need more!" Mystique snapped. "Where is he?"

"I won't tell you! I won't have you hounding him for more money!" Rogue snapped at her.

"I'll tell you, Mother," Pietro walked in. He was dressed very smartly and casually reading a book.

"Pietro!" Rogue snapped. "Have you been listening in on that extension?"

"Of course, what's an extension for?" Pietro shrugged.

"At least I can count on **one** of my children! That's right my darling boy," Mystique said sweetly. "Tell mother. What did she say?"

"She said that Dukes was in down and he's been seeing Jean right along," Pietro shrugged.

"That woman!" Mystique fumed.

"**You're** one to talk," Rogue gave her a look.

"She could tell you where Dukes is," Pietro said.

"Oh for crying out loud, Mom…" Rogue groaned. "Even you have more backbone than that! You can't go to her!"

"But we've got to have money!" Mystique snapped.

"Has it ever occurred to you that Lance might **work?**" Rogue asked sarcastically.

There was a cough. Hidden from view in a large chair sat Lance, dressed very smartly in a black outfit. He got up and gave them a glare and stormed out of the room.

"See what you've done!" Mystique snapped. "You've hurt his feelings! Darling!" She ran out of the room after him.

"You know you have an Oedipus Complex and you won't admit it," Pietro quipped to Rogue.

"Shut up!" Rogue snapped.

"The trouble with you is that you won't face facts," Pietro said casually. "I know that I have a mother fixation but it's slight. I haven't reached the point of…"

"You mean a **daddy **fixation don't you sissy boy?" Rogue taunted.

"SISSY! SISSY?" Pietro threw the book down. "Okay I don't care if you are a girl! I'm gonna clobber you!"

"Oh yeah right!" Rogue made a fist. "Bring it on Sissy Boy!"

"YOU ASKED FOR IT!" Pietro prepared for battle.

In the next room Mystique was trying to calm down her husband. "Don't mind what she says Lance," Mystique cooed.

"DIE SPEEDY!" Rogue shouted in the next room. The sound of several things breaking could be heard.

"How can I help but mind?" Lance snapped at her. "I'm constantly humiliated just because I haven't any money!"

"Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! You can't catch me!" Pietro was heard laughing as more things were being broken.

"I'll get money!" Mystique said.

"You've been saying that for weeks!" Lance snapped. "Why don't you go see Jean? She handles his money."

"THAT'S IT PIETRO!" Rogue was heard screaming as something else broke. "THIS TIME THE GLOVES ARE COMING OFF!"

"Oh am I soooo scared!" Pietro mocked. "I am…HEY! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BAZOOKA?"

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Rogue shouted.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Lance," Mystique tried not to panic as bits of ceiling came down on her. "I couldn't do that! I couldn't go near that woman! Well not without some tear gas anyway." She winced as another explosion was heard.

"All right! All right!" Lance went to leave.

"Where are you going?" Mystique asked. "Just what are you going to do?"

"Just what I'd said I'd do," Lance snapped at her.

"You wouldn't do that! You couldn't!" Mystique grabbed his arm just as another explosion rocked the place.

"Watch me!" Lance shrugged her off. "I'm outta here!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Before I get in the line of fire," Lance grumbled as he went out the back door.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"You're not the **only **one who has a catalog to Bazookas R Us!" Pietro taunted Rogue.

Mystique had it. She picked up a cell phone and dialed. "Miss Grey? This is Mystique Alvers. I wonder if I may see you. Yes that would be fine."

She hung up. "I hate doing this but I have got to get that money!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"DIE!" Rogue shouted.

"If only for repairs," Mystique rolled her eyes. "Not to mention I need to get out of this house before I get killed too!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Soon Mystique found herself in the lobby of Jean's apartment building. As she went up the elevator to Jean's apartment she didn't see someone watching her. It was a small time hood by the name of Bobby 'Iceman' Drake. He frowned as she went upstairs but didn't follow her.

Mystique made her way to Jean's apartment and knocked on the door but there was no answer. "Of all the crying…That little…" Then she noticed the door was open.

"That's odd," She walked in. "Miss Grey? Jean? Hello? Where are you, you little harlot? I mean…"

She walked into the bedroom and found Jean quite dead on the floor. "Oh crap. I wanted to do her in myself. Oh well. Can't have everything."

She then noticed something in Jean's hand and her eyes widened. She quickly took it out and stuffed it inside her purse. "Great! Now I gotta call the cops then cancel my facial! First the tramp ruins my marriage then she ruins my beauty spa treatment!"

She called on her cell phone. "Hello? Front desk? Listen, you gotta call the cops. There's been a murder! Jean Grey. Yeah. I know. Will you guys stop celebrating and call the cops already! No I **didn't** bump her off! I'd have loved to along with half the town. Well I guess I would like some champagne anyway. Okay bring it right on up. I'll be right here."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

In Kelly's law office, Kelly was having a passionate kiss with his secretary Dorothy when the phone rang. "Mr. Kelly's office," She broke away and answered it. "Yes he's here," She covered the phone. "It's the police."

"The police? Crap!" Kelly groaned as he answered it. "Look if this is about all those parking tickets I can explain…Really? Jean Grey is **dead?** WHOOPIEEEE! I mean, that's terrible. Terrible. I'll be right there."

He hung up. "Just as soon as I finish celebrating! Break out the champagne!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Meanwhile Bobby 'Iceman' Drake was sitting in a booth at a bar with his on again off again girlfriend Tabitha Smith. "So where have ya been?" Tabitha asked.

"Making money," Bobby shrugged.

"About time," Tabitha said. "Let me see it."

"I don't have it yet," Bobby told her. "But I will. But I got good news. Jean Grey is dead."

"Oh well in that case I don't mind paying the tab," Tabitha grinned. "Bartender! Champagne for everyone!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

In the hallway of Jean's apartment were two cleaning ladies, Tayrn and Mindy. "What are you going to tell them?" Mindy asked her.

"I'm gonna tell 'em everything," Tarn said. "About that awful fight she had with Dukes a while ago! Pass the scotch will ya?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

In another bar…

"Hey Duncan!" One of his friends called out. "You remember Jean Grey?"

"Unfortunately," Duncan grumbled.

"Somebody just bumped her off," His friend shrugged before he left. "Thought you should know."

"Thanks," Duncan grinned. "Bartender! Champagne!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Back at the crime scene Detective Logan of the police department was investigating with the medical examiner Ororo Munroe. Kelly was there as well. "When was the last time you gave her money for Dukes?" He asked.

"Yesterday," Kelly told him shirking away from the body. "I gave her over a thousand dollars."

"Well there's no sign of it," Logan grunted.

"Perhaps it was a robbery?" Kelly suggested.

"With that sparkler on her finger and over fifty bucks in her purse?" Logan gave him a look. "Looks like our friend Dukes came to collect and ran into a little trouble."

"They said downstairs they hadn't seen him in three months," Officer Scott Summers told Logan.

"There's a **lot **of things they don't see in this place," Logan grunted. "And you haven't heard or seen him in all this time, Kelly?"

"Not exactly," Kelly admitted. "He called me today but I wasn't in. My secretary took the message. He left word for me to meet him at the Plaza about three but he never showed up."

"His house is closed up and so he's shop," Scott told Logan. "And he hasn't been seen at any hotel."

"You ain't gonna stop at that are ya One Eye?" Logan gave him a look.

"No sir," Scott moved away. "He's enjoying this way **too much!"**

"I know he'll turn up as soon as he sees this in the papers," Kelly said. "You can't think he had anything to do with this."

"Did you know what they fought about the night he went away?" Logan asked.

"I didn't know they had a fight," Kelly admitted.

"Thanks," Logan grunted. "We'll call you when we need you again."

"Logan," Ororo said. "I've discovered something very interesting."

"Hmmm, that is interesting…" Logan nodded.

**Now let's cut to the next scene…**

"Wait! All I've got is one line?" Ororo snapped.

"Consider yourself lucky!" Kelly told her.

"Yeah too bad Jean being dead ain't the real thing either," Todd snickered off camera.

"I HEARD THAT TOAD!" Jean shot up.

"AHH! ZOMBIE! SHE'S THE UNDEAD!" Todd laughed as Jean chased him.

"FUNNY TOAD! FUNNY! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DEAD?" Jean snapped.

**Let's go to the next scene shall we? **

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Back at Mystique's apartment (the one with a lot of holes in the walls) the entire family is sitting around listening to her tell her story. "And there she was! Dead on the floor! The police said that she'd probably been killed about ten minutes before I got there!"

"I thought you said you weren't going there?" Lance snapped.

"Well you said…" Mystique told him.

"Never mind!" Lance interrupted bluntly.

"Did they find any clues? A gun or fingerprints or anything?" Pietro asked excitedly.

"No, not a thing," Mystique said.

"Was there a lot of blood?" Pietro asked.

"Don't say things like that! That's horrible!" Rogue snapped.

"Nonsense, she got exactly what she deserved!" Mystique snapped. "And you're one to talk Rogue! One word: Impact!"

"Did you do it, Mother?" Pietro asked.

"Pietro!" Mystique snapped.

"Why not? You had a motive!" Pietro shrugged.

"Nearly everybody Jean ever met had a motive for killing her," Lance quipped.

"That's for sure," Rogue admitted.

"I hope you won't talk like that to the police when they get here," Mystique said to Pietro.

"The police?" Lance was alarmed. "I thought you said they were finished with you?"

"They said that they were finished with me for the moment," Mystique clarified. "They'd come back later."

"Wow," Pietro whistled. "Murder, adultery, blackmail, older women marrying much younger men and lots of booze. Who knew that old movies had so much fun stuff in them?"

"Right at Christmas time too," Lance agreed.

"Well I've got my alibi," Pietro gave Lance a cheerful look. "I was at the public library. Where were you?"

"I am out of here!" Lance stormed out the back just as the front bell rang.

Pietro went to answer the door. "Yeessssssssssss?"

"Is Mystique in?" Detective Logan asked. Officer Scott was with him.

"Why yes! Come on in!" Pietro was delighted.

Logan noticed all the holes in the walls. "What happened here?"

"Oh nothing," Pietro waved as he led them in. "Just a minor family dispute. Happens all the time."

"I see," Logan blinked. "Mystique I have a few more questions for you." He sat at a chair opposite of Mystique.

"Oh goody! An interrogation!" Pietro sat on a chair right next to Logan and stared at him intently.

"Uh just a few things we want to check up on," Logan said. "Did you happen to see anything in Jean's hand? Anything at all?" He looked at Pietro staring at him intently.

"Nope, nothing," Mystique whistled. "Not a thing."

"Are you sure?" Logan asked. "That one of the bellhops or someone might have entered the room? The medical examiner seems to think that the body was touch. She says…" He looked at Pietro. He was starting to get nervous. "She says that it looked like her hand was forced open after she died. And we just found out that she had a thousand dollars the night before."

"Really?" Rogue glared at Mystique.

"No, I didn't see anything. Then again I was so upset," Mystique sniffed. "I was shocked that such a sweet innocent girl was so brutally murdered."

"That's not what you said ten minutes ago," Pietro reminded her.

"SHUT UP!" Mystique snapped at him. Turning back to Logan. "The point is I can't help you."

"Okay we'll be in touch," Logan got up and went to leave.

Pietro anxiously followed him. "Can I go see the body? I've never seen a dead body!"

"Why do you want to?" Logan gave him a look.

"I'm afraid to ask where this is going," Scott groaned.

"I've been studying psychopathic criminology," Pietro said. "I have a theory. Perhaps this was the work of a sadist or a paranoiac. Maybe it's the beginning of a mass murder? Oh I **hope** so! If I saw it I might be able to tell. So can I see the body? Oh pretty please with sugar on top?"

"Uh yeah," Logan said nervously, backing away. "That's a good idea. But don't you bother to come down. We'll bring the body to **you.**" He looked at Scott. "Let's get out of here!"

They fled quickly. "Okay what time are you gonna bring up the body?" Pietro called after them. "Yoo-hoo? Guys?"

Meanwhile Rogue had followed her mother to her bedroom where she saw Mystique hide something in her safe. "Okay what have you got there?"

"Christmas presents," Mystique snorted. "Never mind."

"Yeah right! You took that money from Jean's dead body didn't you?" Rogue accused.

"No I didn't!" Mystique snapped. "She didn't have any!"

"Then what **did **you take? It's evidence isn't it?" Rogue asked.

"That's right! A piece of evidence that's worth at least a few million dollars!" Mystique snapped.

"I thought so. You're gonna hand that right over to the police or else I'll…" Rogue threatened.

"Or what?" Mystique challenged. "Turn me in? I don't think so!" She showed her the multi colored chain Fred had. "Take a look! It's Dukes! He must have killed her!"

"I don't believe you!" Rogue looked at it. "Oh crap…"

**Next: Todd and Althea throw an interesting party! Whee! **


	6. Life of the Christmas Party

**Life of the Christmas Party**

**I told you already that most of the characters aren't mine. Well here are two more. Craig (aka Darkstar) and Paul (aka Starchild) are from L1701E's version of the Misfits. Check out those fics of his. They're good! **

Christmas Eve. It was a time of giving and joy. It was also time for the wildest party at Todd and Althea's apartment. People were singing, dancing, drinking, crying, drinking some more and having a great time. Althea and Todd were wearing their best evening clothes (Althea a glittering blue evening gown and Todd a snazzy tuxedo.)

"How's it going Warren?" Althea handed a drink to the tuxedo clad Warren.

"Not bad, you know how hard it is to get a tux with holes for wings?" Warren indicated. "By the way who **are** all these people?"

"Oh just a few friends of mine," Althea remarked. In the room were Sam, Ray, Roberto, Peter, Jamie, Madelyne, Spyder, Xi, Angelica, Lina, Dead Girl, Rahne, Low Light, Cover Girl, Roadblock, Spirit and several other GI Joes. As well as Dracula and his wife Cindy, Dr. Strange, Calliban, Callisto, Harvey Laffruff, Apocalypse, Mastermind, Benny Barumpump, Amanda Sefton, Azazel and his sons Benos, Stephan and Maxx.

Althea moved on when she was accosted by a very drunk Belladonna. "Al yer great! And Toad's great too…" She hiccupped. "WHEEEE!"

"Thanks, I wanted you to see him," Althea quipped as she staggered away. "And I wanted him to see you too. Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your glasses!"

"Just like old times, eh Althea?" Police Officer Xi said as she gave him a drink. "Remember the old days?"

"Don't kid yourself," Althea gave him a look as she went on to serve more drinks. "**These** are the good old days."

The doorbell rang and Todd answered it. It was a scraggly cook named BA LaCarr. "Is Al here?" BA asked.

"She is," Todd nodded.

"Great kid, sent me up the river once!" BA beamed proudly. "HEY AL LONG TIME NO SEE!"

"Man and I thought I knew some weird people," Todd shook his head. The doorbell rang and he answered it.

"Hi! Don't mind us!" Starchild grinned as he walked in with his purple star mark on his face and gleaming hair. "We're just a couple of reporters!"

"Okay…" Todd blinked. Then he saw more people coming in.

"We heard there was a party," Nick Fury said as he walked in.

"So we decided to crash it!" Pyro said cheerfully. "Come on guys!"

In walked in Captain America, Carol Danvers, Daredevil, Thor, Falcon, Iron Man, Spider Man, The Fantastic Four, Bruce Banner, Betty Ross, Selene, Juggernaut, Amadeus, The Leader, Gargoyle, the Runaways including their dinosaur Old Lace and She Hulk.

"Being evil takes so much out of a person," Lucas huffed as he walked in. He changed into Cyndi. "Where's the mistletoe?"

"Dracula! Time for vengeance!" Blade the Vampire strode in. "But first I'll have some eggnog!"

"Why the hell not?" Cable walked in with Bishop.

"Hey where's the gun check room?" Deadpool waked in after them.

"All right! Let me at the food!" S'ym said as he walked in with Ilyana.

"Why am I even here?" Emma Frost walked in. "Tell me why?"

"Search me, we're not even **in** her stories yet," A blue haired Japanese girl with metal gauntlet gloves walked in with a metal silver girl, A giant gray rock guy and a golden boy.

"All right where is that sailor?" Howard the Duck burst in looking for a fight. "I want a rematch!"

"Holiday Cookies, from Doctor Doom!" He strode in and gave a box to Todd.

Todd looked directly at the creator of all this insanity. "Don't bother with continuity Red, just send whoever you **want **into this fic! What? No Serpentor in drag? I'm amazed the Cobras aren't here!"

"Sorry we're late," Cobra Commander grumbled right on cue as he and the rest of the Cobra Gang appeared. "But **somebody** had to change outfits six or seven times before we got here!"

"I had trouble finding the right shoes for this outfit!" Serpentor II snapped as he strode in wearing a gold gown. "Sue me!"

CRASH!

"DIE DRACULA!" Blade started to chase his nemesis around.

"Can't you take a break like everyone else?" Dracula snapped.

"Old Lace! Don't eat the tree!" Arsenic shouted. "Bad Dinosaur!"

"Well at least Xavier's footing the bill for this party," Todd shrugged.

"WHAT?" Xavier shouted off camera.

Meanwhile Althea was talking with Jamie the boxing manager and his newest rising star, Colossus. "Wanna piece of this guy, Al? Best fighter I've seen in years! I'll sell you twenty percent for five grand!"

"He's that good?" Althea asked.

"Good? He's been knocking 'em left and right! He ain't scared of nobody!" Jamie said proudly. Then he saw Peter reaching out for a drink. He slapped his hand and glared at him. "Drop that or I'll **slug you!"**

Peter meekly backed off. "Maybe some other time," Althea grinned as she moved on.

"I love this place!" Pyro grinned as he set a potted plant on fire. "Everything is so flammable!"

"Hey Captain America! Show everyone you shield trick!" Fury shouted.

ZOOMM!

"DUCK!" Tony Stark shouted as the shield flew around out of control. It hit several Cobras and knocked out Blade just before he was able to stab Dracula.

"Well that was a freebie," Dracula blinked.

"THIS IS HER IDEA OF LETTING US BE IN A FIC?" Darkstar shouted. "Next time we gotta tell L1701E **not **to give her any ideas!"

"At least we're in a cool party scene," Starchild shrugged. "Duck!" They barely missed the shield. "There goes another wall."

It finally banged on the back of Destro's head. "OW!"

The radio was turned onto the news and Xavier's voice could be heard. "Here is the latest news of the Jean Grey Murder. The police have found out that the redhead was once a gangster's girl. They are now looking for Duncan Matthews the alleged gangster. Fred Dukes, Grey's employer and rumored boyfriend is still missing."

"Shut that off," Althea shut off the radio. "Can't you guys ever forget business?"

"That's just what I said!" Dracula called out. "Hey anybody wanna decorate the vampire hunter here?"

"It'd be a good case for you Al," Xi pointed out.

"Haven't you heard the news? I'm a society lady now," Althea told them. "Well maybe not the lady part. Oh goody. Reporters."

"Well you said let anyone who wanted to come to the party to come in," Todd told her as the two reporter brothers followed him.

"We're from the Fanfiction Times," Starchild told her. "We wanted to know if you'll give us a statement. We heard you were here to work on the Jean Grey case…"

"Sorry," Althea apologized. "Don't know anything about it."

"Come on give us a break!" Darkstar grumbled.

"I never kid reporters outside of April Fool's Day," Althea reached for a drink. "I'm telling the truth."

"Then why are you in town?" Darkstar asked.

"Well to tell you the truth," Althea leaned in so that only the reporter could hear her. "My husband's on a bender and I'm trying to sober him up!" She finished the drink with one gulp.

"Ha ha," Todd had heard her. He gave her another drink. "We need more ice so you might as well have this one."

"Why Grandma what small glasses you have!" Althea beamed and walked away.

Darkstar grabbed Todd's arm before he could leave too. "Seriously, what's she really doing here? Is she working on a case?"

"Yes," Todd told him. "A case of Scotch. Pitch in and help fellas." He left them to follow his wife into the kitchen and to help her prepare more drinks and food. "I'd better order more food."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"PYRO!" Angelica shouted.

"Not to mention more bandages," Todd blinked. "And a few extra fire extinguishers couldn't hurt. Say that Jean Grey murder sounds like an interesting case. Why don't you take it?"

"I haven't the time," Althea told him. "I'm too busy seeing that you don't lose any of the money I married you for."

"It sounds like a good case," Todd went on. "Girl mysteriously murdered. No one knows who did it. They haven't found any clues yet. No gun, no fingerprints."

"I wonder if they're…" Althea began and then realized that they were both getting interested. "I don't wanna hear anything more about it! Hey is that my drink?"

"What were you drinking?" Todd held a martini in his hand.

"A martini."

Todd took the glass and downed it. "Yup, that's yours."

Althea made a face at him and went out with another tray of drinks. She was stopped by a crying Mastermind. "I wanna telephone my mother. Wish her a Merry Christmas but it's long distance and all my extra minutes are taken up!"

"Never mind, help yourself," Althea indicated her phone.

"Thank you!" He picked up the phone. "Hello Operator! Get me London England!"

The doorbell rang again after Althea distributed more drinks. She answered it and found Rogue at the door. "Come in."

That was when the two reporters saw her and realized they could get more from this party than a hangover and a concussion. "Hey! It's Rogue!" Darkstar shouted. "How about a statement?"

"How about not?" Althea pushed Rogue to the bedroom and locked the door. "Let's have some privacy shall we? Okay what's going on?"

"It's about Jean…" Rogue said. "I…I did it." She pulled out a gun and showed it to Althea.

"Really?" Althea raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah I hated her for what she did to Fred and I shot her because she wouldn't tell me where she was," Rogue said.

"Where did you shoot her?" Althea asked.

"In the heart," Rogue answered.

"Before or after you punched her in the face?"

"Before obviously."

"Did she fall towards or away from you?"

"Away I guess," Rogue shrugged.

"Rogue stop lying," Althea said. "She was shot in the back so that means she fell away from the shot. She wasn't punched in the face either. I got sources on the police force so I know what happened to her. So where did you really get the gun?"

"A pawnshop," Rogue admitted. "That's the truth. I'm sorry."

Todd was able to get into the room using his key and held a drink in his other hand. "Forget about it. Have a drink."

"No thanks," Rogue shook her head.

"I'll take it," Althea offered.

"You already took mine," Todd looked at her. "Where did the gun come from?"

"The Gun Fairy left it. Keep an eye on her will ya?" Althea took out a handkerchief and picked up the gun and stuffed it in the top drawer. "And don't let those reporters get to her. They might believe her!"

Althea left the room and was immediately accosted by the reporters. "What's Rogue doing here? Is she a client?" Starchild asked.

"And you said you weren't on the case," Darkstar huffed.

"I'm not. She just showed up to the party," Althea defended. "I don't know anything about it. I don't care anything about it. All I want is a drink."

Of course neither reporter believed her and rushed to the nearest phone, which happened to be where Mastermind was calling from. "Yes Mama, I'm wearing clean underwear. Yes Mama…"

Darkstar snatched the phone from him. "Listen Ma, he'll call you right back! Get off the freaking line!" He hung up then called his newspaper. "Hey Chief I got a scoop! You'll never guess where we ran into Rogue Darkholme Dukes…"

"Don't do that!" Althea snapped as she went to get the door again. "Don't tell your paper I'm working on anything because I'm **not!** It's a coincidence! I have nothing to do with this case whatsoever!"

She opened the door and found Mystique and Pietro standing there. "I want to talk to you!" Mystique said.

"Oh this has got to be good," Starchild grinned.

"Oh great," Althea groaned. "Come with me!" She dragged Mystique into the next room with a lock which happened to be the bathroom. "Sorry. Only place where we can be alone. Take a seat." She pointed to the toilet.

"I think I'll stand, thank you," Mystique gave her a look. "Look I'll get to the point. Fred Dukes has gone crazy. Absolutely crazy to stay away at a time like this. I have something very important to tell him and Kelly's no help at all. He thinks all I want is money!"

"Well **don't** you?" Althea gave her a look.

"Very funny. Look you'll help me find him won't you?" Mystique asked.

"There are thousands of detectives in New York," Althea told her. "Pick one of them."

"But Fred knows you," Mystique said. "All you have to do is get in touch with him and tell him that everything is all right but I have to see him."

"No I don't," Althea told her. "I don't want any part of this madness! I've got enough madness in my life to deal with. If you'd ever met my family you'd understand. Now take Rogue home and…"

"WHAT?" Mystique yelled. "Rogue's **here?** Where?"

"In there," Althea pointed to the connecting door to the bedroom. "You didn't…?"

Mystique didn't stop to listen as she burst into the bedroom. "WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM? WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM?" She shouted as she slapped Rogue.

Unfortunately for her, Rogue wasn't wearing her power dampener so Mystique fell to the floor unconscious. "Man I hate having her thoughts in my head!" Rogue snapped.

"She didn't tell us anything," Althea said to the unconscious Mystique. "Not that you're paying attention to me. Look Rogue if you want to stay here tonight…"

"Nah, somebody's got to take her home. Pietro could never…" Rogue sighed.

"PIETRO!" Althea remembered. "I forgot all about him!"

"You mean he's here too?" Todd yelled. "We might as well be living in the lobby!"

Althea went out and to her chagrin found Pietro talking to the reporters and they were taking notes. "And there's a psychological angle of Duke's relationship to Jean that the police have overlooked. You see…OW! MOMMY!"

Althea grabbed Pietro by the ear and hauled him away. "Goodbye Pietro! It's way past your bedtime! Gotta go help your sister tuck your drunk mommy into bed!"

"OWW! OWW! OW!" Pietro shouted as she shoved him through the door.

"Come on! You owe us!" Darkstar snapped.

"No I don't," Althea told him. "Look I swear this is all a coincidence. I haven't anything to do with it!" The phone rang and she picked it up. "Hello?"

Cut the scene to Bobby in a darkened room. "Listen, Althea Delgado Tolensky? I'd like to lay a proposition for you. It concerns the death of Jean Grey…" Suddenly a hand cut off the mouthpiece, preventing any further discussion. Bobby made an evil grin at the person who cut off the conversation.

Back at the party Althea hung up the phone. "And who was that?" Starchild asked.

"Some nut trying to sell me insurance," Althea said

"WHOOPIE! LOOK AT ME!" The Baroness streaked by in her underwear.

"I wish I hadn't," Althea groaned. "Okay that is a lot more of the Baroness than I wanted to see! It's official. Red's imagination is out of control. AGAIN!"

"I think the conga line led by She Hulk should have been your first clue," Darkstar remarked.

"Burn baby burn!" Pyro laughed as he set another plant on fire.

"WHY AM I COVERED IN TINSEL AND BLINKING LIGHTS?" Blade the vampire hunter yelled.

"MAMA! I WANNA TALK TO MAMA!" Mastermind whined on the phone.

Rahne was dancing on the table. Emma Frost and the Baroness were fighting. Serpentor II was singing drunkenly. The Leader and Cobra Commander were having a slap fight and Gargoyle was taking bets. A giant green monster hopped out of Benny's magic bag and everyone was running. In short, total insanity reigned.

Todd put his arms around is wife and grinned. "Honeybunch I love you because you know the loveliest people!"


	7. Merry Christmas!

**Merry Christmas!**

It was late at night, way after the party had ended. Christmas Eve. Todd and Althea were in the bedroom. Todd was sitting up in bed wide awake while Althea slept. The Coyote was also in the bed right between the two of them.

"About time we got to this scene," Todd grumbled. "But what are you doing here?"

"Chaperoning," Coyote giggled.

"I should have known it was too good to be true," Todd grumbled. "Al! Al? You awake?"

"No," Althea grumbled.

"Good I wanna talk to you."

"That's jolly."

"Don't you wanna go detecting once in a while?" Todd asked. "Just for the fun of it?"

"Can't you get to sleep?" Althea opened her eyes.

"No," Todd shook his head.

"Would a drink help you?" She asked.

"No thanks," Todd shook his head.

"Maybe it'd help me," Althea grumbled and pushed a button on her bed stand. It made a chime and converted into a tiny bar with a tiny robot bartender that made a martini.

"Everybody says you were a great detective," Todd told her.

"They were lying," Althea took a drink.

"I'd like to see you work," Todd said. "I'd love to work on a case with you."

"I'll tell you what," Althea groaned. "Tomorrow I'll buy you a whole bunch of detective stories."

"Poor Rogue," Todd shook his head. "She's really in a tough spot."

"There's nothing I can do to help her," Althea said.

"She thinks you can," Coyote said. "It wouldn't hurt you to find out if you could, would it?"

"Whose side are **you **on?" Althea snapped. "Look it's my guess that Fred probably killed Jean and Rogue knows about it. The cops will catch him without my help."

"You know I think I will take that drink," Todd remarked. Althea made him a drink. "I'll give you your Christmas present if you give me mine."

"It's not Christmas yet," Althea told him.

"It's Christmas now, technically," Todd said.

"After breakfast okay?" Althea groaned. "Or at least after an orange juice with a pick me up in it!"

"What are you going to give me?" Todd asked. "I hope I don't like it the way you've been treating me yo!"

"You'll have to keep them," Althea said. "The man at the aquarium said he wouldn't take them back."

"No problem, I like sushi," Todd said. The doorbell rang. "Did you hear the doorbell?"

"No," Althea closed her eyes. The bell rang again.

"Shouldn't we check it out?" Todd asked.

"You wanted to play detective," Althea said. "You check it out."

Todd grimaced and got out of bed to answer the door. It was Duncan. "Is Althea Delgado-Tolensky here?"

"Yeah, wait here. I'll go get her," Todd went to get Althea. "Hey Al! There's someone here to see you!"

"That's great. I was afraid I would have to go back to sleep," She grumbled. She opened her eyes and saw Duncan had followed Todd. He stood behind him with a gun in his hand.

"You got the funniest look on your face," Todd scratched his head. "Like someone's pointing a gun at you." He looked behind him. "Oh…"

"I gotta talk to you," Duncan said. "I want you to tell me something and I want you to give it to me straight, get me?"

"Sure you mind putting that gun away?" Althea quipped. "My husband doesn't care but I'm in a delicate condition."

"Yeah she's sober," Todd remarked.

The Coyote barked and Duncan pointed the gun at him. Immediately Coyote cowered under a table. "Some watchdog you are," Todd grumbled.

"Okay you got my attention," Althea said. "Shoot…I mean, what's on your mind?"

"You don't need to tell me how tough you are," Duncan snorted. "I know all about you. I'm Duncan Matthews. I didn't knock Jean off."

"So?" Althea raised an eyebrow. "All right you didn't."

"I hadn't seen her in three months," Duncan went on. "We were through. I wouldn't have any reason to hurt the witch. She was always on the up and up with me…Except for lying about the whole mutant deal. But that dirty little Bobby Drake, he got sore because I clicked with her and he didn't so he put the finger on me!"

"That's fine," Althea nodded. "Only you're telling this to the wrong person. I had nothing to do with it."

"Look do the cops think it was me or not?" Duncan asked.

"Why are you asking me?" Althea groaned. "I'd tell you if I knew, but I don't. Ask the police."

"Yeah that'd be smart," Duncan said sarcastically. "Smartest thing I ever done. After I had that argument with that mutie cop who landed in the hospital for three weeks. They'd love me to come in and ask questions. They'd love it right down to the end of their blackjacks! Now I come to you on the level. Everybody says you're on the level. Be on the level."

"I am on the level. If I knew anything I'd…" Althea began. There was a violent knock at the door.

Duncan startled unintentionally moving the gun on Todd. "Who's that?"

"I dunno," Althea pointed at the gun. "This is your party."

"Open up! Police!" Logan was heard shouting.

"Why you two timing…."Duncan began.

Instantly Althea reacted. She knocked Todd out of the way of the gun with her left hand and he fell unconscious to the floor. She threw a pillow at Duncan with her right at the same time. Just then Duncan fired, the bullet just grazing Althea's shoulder. She went for his ankle and managed to throw him to the floor just as Logan and the rest of the police arrived. They grabbed Duncan.

"Todd!" Althea went to him.

"What knocked him out?" Logan asked.

"I did," Althea said as she brought him around. "He was in the line of fire! Todd! Todd!"

"You darn fool," Todd grumbled. "I knew you could take him out. I just wanted to see you do it."

"That's my man! Ow!" She winced in pain.

"Al! You're shot!" Todd gasped. "CALL 911! GET A DOCTOR! GET THE WHOLE EMERGENCY WARD IF YOU HAVE TO! GET A PRIEST!"

"Get a **grip!"** Althea snapped. "It's just a graze! What I need is a drink." She reached for the bottle only to have Todd grab it from her. "HEY!"

"Yeah but not the way you usually use it," Todd told her as he cleaned the wound.

"Don't look too bad," Logan said. "A doc will check you out anyway."

"Tough luck," Duncan sneered in handcuffs.

"Shut up!" Scott punched him in the jaw.

"I want to hit him too!" Xi said and hit him as well.

"Knock it off!" Logan snapped. "You can't punch a guy like that!" He hit Duncan hard. "**That's** how you punch a guy!"

"Hey! It was my girl that got shot!" Todd protested. "I wanna beat him up!"

"Help yourself," Scott shrugged. Todd then tackled Duncan and started to whack him around.

"How'd you people happen to pop in?" Althea asked.

"We heard this was getting to be sort of a meeting place for the Darkholme-Dukes family," Logan told her. "So we figure we'd stick around in case Dukes showed his big butt around here. Then we see this guy come in," He pointed to Duncan who was getting the stuffing beat out of him by Todd. "So we decided to come up. Lucky for you."

"Yeah I might not have been shot," Althea gave him a look.

"We were looking for this guy," Logan began.

"Dirty stooge Drake!" Duncan groaned as he was being beaten. "OW! MOMMY!"

"You know this jerk?" Logan asked.

"Never saw him until tonight," Althea said. "Wanted to tell me he didn't kill Grey."

"What's that to you?" Logan asked.

"Nothing," Althea shrugged.

"What did he think it was to you?" Logan asked again.

"How should I know? Ask him," Althea said.

WHAM! Duncan was thrown across the room. "As soon as he regains consciousness," Althea quipped.

"I'm asking you," Logan pointed out.

"Keep on asking you'll get the same answer," Althea said. "I don't know."

"Search the joint," Logan said to Scott and Xi.

"Not without a warrant," Althea reminded him.

"Yeah right," Logan scoffed as they looked around. "Listen kid, we're both going about this wrong. I don't wanna get tough with you and you sure don't wanna get tough with me. We're both on the same side so why give each other grief? You wanna swear to the complaint about him shooting you?"

"Kind of irrelevant now," Althea shrugged. "Maybe it was an accident. He might end up suing **us!**"

Todd stopped beating up Duncan and looked at Scott rummaging in their dresser. "What's that guy doing in your drawers?"

Both Althea and Logan did a double take. Scott found the pistol Althea confiscated earlier from Rogue. "Here you go…" He gave it to Logan.

"Got a permit for this?" Logan asked.

"No," Althea shrugged.

"Ever hear of the Sullivan Act?" Logan asked.

"Oh that's right, we're married," Todd said. "At least in this fic." Both Logan and Althea did another double take at him.

"Is this gun yours?" Logan asked.

"No, you can have it if you like," Althea shrugged. "Think of it as a souvenir of Christmas Past."

"I will," Logan grunted. "I guess I gotta ask you a lot more questions than I counted on. We'll come up tomorrow when you're feeling better."

"Actually sir it's **already **tomorrow," Xi pointed out.

"That's what I was telling her!" Todd said as they left.

"Now I've got a headache!" Althea groaned. She saw Coyote crawl out from underneath the table. "Some watchdog **you** are!"

"He's got more sense than you," Todd said. "Thank heaven you're not on this case!"

"**On** it? I'm **in **it!" Althea snapped. "They probably think I did it!"

"Well didn't you?" Todd asked. Althea responded by throwing a pillow at him.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Later that morning the two lovebirds were playing with their presents in the living room. Todd was gleefully playing with a BB Gun shooting balloons.

"You'll shoot your eye out!" Coyote taunted.

"Wrong movie, Coyote," Althea said as she wore a nice new bathrobe and admired her new diamond jewelry.

Todd accidentally misfired and shot out a window. "Oops. Still this is the nicest Christmas present I ever got."

"Yeah weapons really do bring in the season of peace and love," Althea quipped.

Todd noticed his wife's jewelry. "Where'd you get that?"

"From you," Althea said. "Christmas present."

"I have good taste," Todd said. "You finished with those newspapers yet?"

"Yeah and I know everything they know about the murder," She told him. "Well almost everything. I'm a great hero. The Bugle says I was shot twice. I didn't know that."

"I read you were shot three times in the tabloids," Todd said.

"That's not true," Althea sniffed. "He never came **near **my tabloids."

Coyote was gleefully playing with the balloons. "Balloons! Balloons!"

"Is he drunk?" Todd blinked.

"Odds are pretty good," Althea shrugged. The phone rang and she answered it. "Okay, send him up."

"Send who up" Todd asked as she hung up.

"Kelly," She told him. "He wants to see us. What a Christmas present **that** is. I much prefer my diamond necklace."

That was news to Todd. "**Another** present from me?"

"Yup."

"I'm spoiling you," Todd grumbled. "Let's read these nice cards and telegrams. They're always good for a laugh. That one's nice. That's nice. Didn't give anything to them. Tell these guys to go jump off a cliff. Hey! This one's from Dukes!"

"Where's it from?" Althea asked.

"Philadelphia," Todd told her. "Listen. 'Will you take the case of Jean Grey murder? Communicate with Kelly.'. Well that means he didn't do it. I mean he wouldn't' ask you to handle it if he was guilty would he?"

"Anything's possible."

"Oh for crying out loud Al take the case already!" Todd snapped. He went to answer the door. It was Kelly. "Come in."

"I'm afraid this isn't a very merry Christmas for you," Kelly grumbled.

"Oh she's fine," Todd said.

"Wonderful," Kelly rolled his eyes and took off his hat. "I hate to bother you when you're laid up but…"

Just then the Coyote grinned and bounded up to Kelly, grabbing his hat in his teeth, 'playfully' tugging on it. Kelly tried to get him to let go with very little success. "Coyote! Don't bother the nice lawyer!" Todd reprimanded.

"Oh…It's all right," Kelly grunted. "AAAHHH!" The Coyote took the hat away. "FINE! KEEP IT THEN! And what is **that **on the floor?"

It was a miniature fire hydrant. "Coyote's Christmas present," Todd said casually.

Kelly couldn't move fast enough out of range of the object. "I got word from Dukes this morning…"

"So did we," Althea said.

"What are you chances of getting you to do what he wants?" Kelly asked.

"Slim to none," Althea said.

"Come on Al," Todd begged.

"Well what if I got him to meet you?" Kelly suggested. "He gave me a code message to insert in the Times in case I wanted to get in touch with him. Of course I've already done that and he still hasn't arrived. You know it really doesn't look good for him to stay away at a time like this! What is he thinking?"

The phone rang again. "Hello, who is it **this** time?" Todd asked. "Oh, Kelly its for you! The cops!"

"How did they know I was here?" Kelly asked.

"They're watching this place," Althea explained. "We've been having a lot of interesting visitors lately."

"Oh," Kelly took the phone. "Hello? What? WHERE? IN ALLENTOWN? When's the next train? I'll be right there." He hung up. "Dukes just tried to commit suicide. Tried to jump off a bridge or something. That changes everything doesn't it? I mean that's practically an admission of guilt and I had such hopes that he would…"

"Of course you did," Althea interrupted. "He's your meal ticket."

"I do have other clients you know?" Kelly snapped. "Sorry to have wasted your time." He left the apartment.

Coyote went back to playing with one of the balloons. It broke. "Balloon's busted, Coyote?" Todd asked. "So's mine. The mystery is all gone and I so wanted you to find the killer Al."

"Maybe I will," Althea thought.

"But they just said Dukes…" Todd began.

"I don't think he did it," Althea said. "And I don't think he tried to commit suicide.

"Why?"

"Call it a hunch," Althea shrugged. "And I'm tired of being pushed around! Come on Watson, we're going places!"


	8. A Bad Day For Bobby

**A Bad Day For Bobby**

Soon Althea and Todd were dressed and walking outside the apartment with Coyote on a leash. Just as they stepped outside, Logan was waiting for them. "Good morning, or should I say good afternoon?"

"And a Merry Christmas to you too," Althea quipped.

"You shouldn't have tried to lay this trick on me," Logan said. "Sneaking out while I was giving you time to rest up and ask questions."

"I'm taking my husband and my dog out for a walk," Althea gave him a look. "We walked out the **front door** in broad daylight. How is **that **sneaking around?"

"**Now** she mentions me first," Todd rolled his eyes. "If this is about that gun…"

"The firing pin's busted," Logan waved. "Unless you threw it at someone it couldn't do any damage. Let's not waste time talking about that. Look, just be straight with me, are you or are you not working on this case?"

"I'm not," Althea said.

"But she's interested!" Todd added.

"Fine," Logan nodded. "I don't mind telling you that I'd rather be working with you than against you. Did I really just say that line?"

"Scary isn't it?" Althea looked at him.

"Okay it's a deal," Logan said. "What do you want to know?"

"That suicide for starters," Althea said.

"False alarm," Logan said.

"Thought so," Althea agreed. "From now on they're going to think that every fat guy over six feet is Fred Dukes. You think he did it."

"Looks like he planned something," Logan admitted. "He shut down his apartment and shop. Couldn't find a thing when we went there. This is the way we figure it. Dukes goes to Jean's apartment only to find Matthews there. Sees she's two timing him. They have a fight but he figures he don't want to do anything yet on account of Matthews. So he leaves town for a while. Waits for things to cool off then sneaks back…Bang! Lets her have it. Course it's just a theory. We don't have any proof to back it up."

"Fifty will get you a hundred that he didn't do it," Althea said.

"Why not?" Todd asked.

"His short attention span," Althea explained. "He was too absent minded to hold a grudge that long."

"So who's your candidate?" Logan asked.

"Haven't got that far yet," Althea admitted. "Did you check everyone's alibis?"

"Yeah, Mystique, Rogue, Pietro…" Logan counted off. "We even had to let Matthews out of it because he had an alibi."

"What about Alvers?" Althea asked.

"We're checking up on that," Logan nodded.

"How about Drake?" Althea asked.

"The Iceman?" Logan said. "We know all about him. He does a little schooling for us every once in a while."

"Did you know he was hanging around Grey?" Althea asked.

"No I didn't," Loan frowned.

"I think he's holding out on you," Althea told him.

"Well let's go see him," Logan growled. "This could get a little rough."

"Cool! This detective stuff is great!" Todd beamed as a taxi pulled up. He and Coyote hopped in.

Althea quickly shut the door tight after them. "Driver! Grant's tomb! Step on it!"

SCREEEEEEEE!

The taxi pulled away wildly. "Let me guess, Kitty's driving that taxi isn't it?" Althea blinked.

SCREEEE! HONK! HONK! CRASH!

"Bingo," Logan winced.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Soon Logan was knocking at the door to a dilapidated apartment. "Open up!"

Bobby unlocked the door. "Hey. I wasn't expecting to see ya Logan. You said you'd phone."

"What's the idea of telling us you knew Grey only by sight?" Logan snapped.

"I did!" Bobby protested as they walked in. "That's the truth! Okay maybe I said hello to her one or two times but that's all I knew about her! That's the truth!"

"Oh yeah?" Tabitha had heard everything. "YOU TWO TIMING RAT!" She grabbed a skillet from the stove and threw it at Bobby's head. He barely dodged it in time. "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!"

"Chill out Tabitha!" Bobby snapped, throwing ice balls at her.

She easily dodged them and threw her patented energy bombs at him. Soon it was a mutant melee with Logan stuck in the middle. Althea wisely moved to the side. When Bobby tried to rush Tabitha, Althea calmly stuck out her foot and he tripped over it. Then Logan was able to subdue him.

"KNOCK IT OFF!" Logan snapped. "We didn't come here to watch you two rough house! Or destroy another set."

Tabitha stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door shut. "She drives me **nuts!"** Bobby snapped as Logan shoved him into a seat. "Been nagging me all day!"

"Well Popsicle if you didn't spend so much time running after **other** women maybe you would have as much trouble with this one!" Logan snapped.

"Look! That's a lie!" Bobby protested. "You tell me the guy who said that and I'll beat the truth out of 'em!"

Logan gave Bobby a cold stare. "Oh really?"

Bobby then got very nervous. "Ha ha…Just kidding. Okay, maybe I did kind of spend some time with her. You know how it is."

"You'd have been better off to help me that in the beginning!" Logan snapped. "Where were you the afternoon she was killed?"

"Oh now come on! Wait a minute you don't think that I…" Bobby's eyes widened.

Just then Tabitha stormed out of the bedroom with a suitcase. She glared at Bobby. "I don't like crooks and even if I did, I wouldn't like crooks that are stool pigeons! And even if I **did** like crooks that are stool pigeons I still wouldn't like **you!"**

"TABBY!" Bobby cried out as Tabitha left. Logan prevented him from following her. "Tabby! Don't go! Wait! I'll do anything! Tabitha! Come on! You gotta let me go after her! I'll tell you anything you wanna know just let me go after her!"

"Sit down! Where were you when that girl was killed?" Logan snapped.

"I don't know!" Bobby panicked. "Tabby would know! I can't remember! Maybe I was shooting pool or something! She'd remember!"

"How'd you like to be in the can for not…" Logan was interrupted by an explosion in the bedroom. "Boom Boom blew up another room didn't she?"

"Yeah, you mind if I put out that fire?" Bobby gulped.

"Be my guest," Logan sighed. Bobby went into the other room. Althea then picked up a nearby phone and started to dial. "What are you doing?"

"I'm calling your office so you can send out a man to trail him," Althea explained. "I wanna see where he goes."

"WHAT?" Logan burst into the bedroom and saw Bobby had escaped out the window. "HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

"Easy," Althea shrugged. "I read the script."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Soon Bobby was at a phone booth making a call. "Listen, they've been questioning me again. Asking me what I know and what I saw. Don't worry I ducked out on 'em. Now if you want me to play dumb I want a thousand…No wait ten thousand more! Ten thousand and I'll skip out of town! Where? Okay, right away. I'll see you. And have the cash on you!"

Not long afterwards Bobby went into a dark doorway on a deserted street. Suddenly a gun fired and Bobby fell down dead.

Tabitha ran out. "HOLD IT! CUT! Red you can't put that in the fic!"

**But that's what happens in the movie. It's not that violent. You don't even see any blood. **

"That's what I mean!" Tabitha said. "It's not grisly enough!"

**Good point. Let's try this again. **

"What?" Bobby sat up. "You gotta be kidding me?"

**No, let's start the scene again. Bobby you're at that dark doorway on a deserted street…**

"Fine," Bobby grumbled and went into place again. This time he was shot several times with a machine gun and fell to the ground.

"Not bad Red," Lance called out. "But you could do better."

"I agree," Tabitha said. "Try again."

**You're right. Okay. Places people.**

"I'm lucky this is fan fiction otherwise this would really hurt…" Bobby grumbled as he got up again. This time he was shot several times and fell into the street where a bus ran over him.

"Better but I have another suggestion," Lance called out.

"Oh come on!" Bobby sat up in pain. "What have I ever done to you?"

"Let's start with two words," Lance gave him a look. "Joy Ride."

"Oh yeah that," Bobby coughed.

"And let's not forget a certain Tremors of the Past," Tabitha added.

"Okay okay! I got it!" Bobby snapped.

**Wait. I got it! A solution that will make everyone happy. Everyone but Bobby that is.**

"Great…" Bobby grumbled as he got into place again.

This time Bobby was shot several times by a machine gun, then run over by a bus with the driver laughing manically. Then he was backed over by the same bus twice. Bobby was still barely alive when the unknown assailant grabbed him and threw him in a car. The unknown murderer pushed a remote control that made the car speed up through the city, jump off a cliff and into the mouth of a volcano. Which exploded.

"Perfect!" Lance called out. "Nice fireworks!"

"Good touch," Tabitha grinned. "I like it. Okay people that's a wrap. On to the next scene."

Bobby hobbled out on crutches, all banged up. "And to think originally Red Witch was going to have Evan play this part!"


	9. The Hunt For Fred Dukes

**The Hunt For Fred Dukes**

Soon at Logan's office at police headquarters, Logan and Althea were discussing the murder of Bobby 'Iceman' Drake. "Well the bullet we recovered from what was left of Iceman's body is definitely from the same gun that killed Jean Grey. But other than that, nothing!"

Just then the phone rang. Logan answered it. "It's your husband," Logan handed it to her.

"And I'll tell you another thing Logan," Todd was talking on the phone, obviously unaware that his wife was now on the line. "I've been doing a little detective work of my own. That flat foot I married thinks she's smart but I'm one jump ahead of her!"

"Oh really?" Althea grinned. "Tell me dear, how was Grant's Tomb?"

"Lovely," Todd said. "I'm having a copy made for you."

"So what have you got?" Althea asked. She listened. "What? Really? We'll be right over!" She hung up the phone. "He's at Mystique's place! Alvers is missing!"

Soon both were at Mystique's apartment. They were interrogating Mystique, Rogue, Remy and Pietro. Mystique was nearly hysterical. "This is nonsense! Lance is probably at a club somewhere! I don't see how it's important! He had nothing to do with this!"

"That's not for you to decide," Althea told her. "Everybody's under suspicion. The police will need a description of him."

"But he didn't do it!" Mystique shouted.

"We're gonna need more than your word for that!" Logan told her.

"Fine! Then you'll get it!" Mystique snapped.

"You wouldn't!" Rogue shot up.

"Watch me!" Mystique snapped. She glared at Logan. "You want proof? I'll give you proof!"

Rogue knew what her mother was planning to do and ran out of the room horrified. Remy followed her and hugged her. "Rogue don't cry."

"Oh Remy this is awful! I can't get my mind off of it," Rogue sobbed.

"Chere! You can't go through any more of this," Remy said, "Tell you what, pack your bags and Remy take you someplace to forget about all this for a while."

"I can't forget! I can never forget!" Rogue sobbed. "But you gotta forget about me! If you ever want a normal life…Well as normal as it can get for a mutant's you have to forget about marrying me!"

"Chere! What are you saying?"

"Please with my powers and my mom's past this idea of you marrying me was bad enough but this is just the straw that broke the camel's back!" Rogue ranted. "The entire family is nuts! That's what will happen if you marry me and have kids! How would you like to have a couple of little murderers for children? It would be fun wouldn't it?"

"Chere, you remember **Remy's family** right?" Remy gave her a look. "Thieves' Guild, ties to the Assassins' Guild…**Sinister**? Any of **that **ring a bell?"

Rogue ignored him. "The whole family is crazy and anyone who comes in contact with any of us goes nuts too! That's what happened to Fred and I'm not going to let it happen to you! Now go away!"

She grabbed Remy and threw him out the door. Then she threw herself on the bed and sobbed. Pietro casually walked in. "You know you're wrong about all your kids becoming murderers," He told her. "I've studied the latest news and experiments on genetics. This experiment with sweet peas, according to their findings and they're pretty conclusive. Only one out of four of your kids would probably be a murderer. So the thing for you is to stop at three. Oh wait, that might not work, The first one might be the bad one. I'll have to look it up."

"DO YOU HAVE TO SPY ON EVERYONE?" Rogue snapped at him.

"Yes," Pietro said simply.

"Well it doesn't matter! I'm not getting married and I'm not going to have any kids! From now on I'm just out for the ride!" Rogue snapped.

"What does **that** mean?" Pietro blinked.

"It means look out world! Rogue's going to party!" She went to her closet to find a good party outfit.

Back in the living room Mystique was showing Logan the watch chain. "I took it from her hand," She explained. "It's Duke's watch chain. I wanted to protect him."

"Protect your source of income most likely," Todd scoffed.

"Well I guess that clinches it," Logan looked at the evidence. "Fred Dukes killed both Jean Grey and Iceman!"

"Fifty will still get you a hundred," Althea wasn't convinced.

"Good enough for me," Logan said.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The next few days were a flash as the entire nation was on a hunt for Fred Dukes. "Be on the lookout for Fred 'The Blob' Dukes," Xavier said on the radio. "Reported to be hungry and dangerous. Can you believe the lines I got in this story?"

"Shut that off!" Todd shut off the radio in his apartment. "That's all you hear about nowadays! I wish they'd put something else on! Do you think they'll find them Al? Al?"

He saw his wife getting her coat on and had Coyote on a leash. "Where are you going?" He asked.

"Gonna take Coyote for a walk," Althea shrugged.

"I've just been for a walk," Coyote pouted.

"Then you're going for another one!" She snapped at him.

"What's all this stuff?" Todd opened his wife's coat and his eyes widened at what was in there. "Skeleton keys, throwing stars, a knife, smoke bombs, explosion caplets…" He pulled out a gun. "What is this?"

"It looks like a hold up," Althea put up her hands in mock fear. Then took the gun away from him.

"Okay what are you up to this time?" Todd asked.

"I've got a hunch. I'm gonna take another look at Dukes' shop. I want to find out why it was closed," She told him. "Besides the fire anyway…"

"I'm going with you," Todd said. "You can't go alone! He might be hiding down there for all we know!"

"Listen one of us needs to stay behind," Althea told him. "I might need bail or something. Besides what are you worried about? You're the one who got me into this!"

"But Dukes is crazy! He could be a killer!" Todd said.

"I'll look out for her," Coyote said.

"Oh yeah! You did such a swell job the **last time!"** Todd snapped. "Fine Al. Go on. See if I care! But it's a dirty trick to bring me all the way to New York just to make me a widower!"

"You wouldn't be one long," Althea pointed out.

"You bet I wouldn't!"

"Not with all your money," Althea smirked. They kissed passionately.

"Just be careful huh?" Todd said. He glared at Coyote. "And **you,** if you let anything happen to her you'll never wag that tail again!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Soon Althea was rummaging around in Dukes' closed shop. "Some ninja you are," Coyote mocked as she turned on the light. "What kind of ninja needs lights?"

"Shut up and look for clues!" Althea snapped.

"There's nothing here I tell ya," The Coyote snorted. "This place isn't so scary it's…AAAAHHHH!" A sinister shadow moved into sighed. "MOMMY!"

The figure came into view. It was a small kitten. "Meow?"

"Some coyote **you **are," Althea gave him a look.

"Ha, ha," Coyote growled. Then sniffed the air. "Wait! I smell something!" He went to a part of the floor. "This is new cement here! Someone recently buried something!"

"You sure?"

"You bet my tail I'm sure! There's something down there!"

"You're not a coyote, you're a police dog!" Althea took out an explosive caplet and placed it on the floor. "Now let's see what's underneath. Fire in the hole!"

BOOM!

"Yeah that's subtle," Coyote grumbled as the smoke cleared.

"I'm not breaking my back over this," Althea told him. She peered inside. "Now what do we have here? Oh boy…"

"Is that what I think it is?" Coyote gulped.

"A skeleton, oh yeah," Althea nodded.

"I was afraid you'd say that!" Coyote groaned. "Let's get out of here!"

"Not yet," Althea said. "I think someone's upstairs."

"Couldn't we just phone?" Coyote moaned as Althea took the stairs to the next floor.

In Fred Dukes office a very nervous Lucid was rummaging through the papers. "Where is it? Where is it? What good is X-Ray vision if you can't…" He turned around and saw Althea. "AAAHHHHH!"

"Stick 'em up," Althea said.

"Don't hurt me!" Lucid threw his hands over his head.

"I won't," Althea said. "But make one false move and that coyote will tear you to shreds. When he's finished cowering under the **table!"**

"I got scared! Okay!" Coyote grumbled as he crawled out.

"I have to do **everything **around here," Althea grumbled as she picked up the phone. "Logan! It's Althea. I'm down at Duke's shop and I found something. Two things actually. A body and another suspect."

It wasn't long before Logan and the police were there. "Back to your old tricks huh Lucid?" Althea asked as they were interrogating him.

"You know this clown?" Logan asked.

"Yup," Althea nodded. "What are you doing here, Lucid?"

"I worked in here until they closed the shop," Lucid explained. "That time you sent me up the river, I learned bookkeeping. Figured it would come in handy. Jean Grey got me a job here."

"Apparently it did," Logan frowned.

"Look I swear I never touched those books," Lucid said. "Jean took them. That's what got her killed. He got sore when he found out, Dukes that is. Okay maybe I did do a little chiseling on the side but just a little. I came here to put it back. I didn't want him to come after me!"

"Did you know anything about this?" Logan pointed to the huge body being lifted from the floor.

"No," Lucid shook his head. "I didn't."

"We'll see about that," Logan grunted. "Take him outta here." Scott took Lucid away. "Now I wonder what Dukes had against **this **guy?" He pointed to the body.

"Find any other clues?" Althea asked.

"For starters this," Logan took out a belt. "About the only thing that wasn't disintegrated. Look at the buckle. It has the initials CX on it. Hey who was the guy that tried to kill Dukes a while back?"

"Charles Xavier, it could be him," Althea shrugged.

"ARE YOU JOKING?" Xavier shouted off camera.

"CHUCK IT'S JUST A STORY! CHILL OUT!" Logan snapped. "Where were we?"

"I never saw the guy," Althea shrugged. "I don't think anyone ever saw him."

"Just the same," Logan said. "Dukes would mind having him out of the way wouldn't he? The body's been here at least a couple of months. Only other thing we found was this where the stomach would have been. Looks like some kind of metal donut." He showed her. "It's pretty obvious, Dukes kills this guy. Jean learned about it and tried to blackmail him only to get bumped off herself. Iceman must have caught him and tried the same thing and boom! Well you've been a big help. Wanna pay me that hundred now?"

"Wait until you actually **catch **Dukes," Althea said.

"Don't worry, we will," Logan said.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Spyder called out selling newspapers on the street the following morning. "Third Body Discovered! Dukes wanted in three states! Holiday Horror Murder Spree continues! Boy trapped in refrigerator! Eats own foot! Extra! Extra!"

Back at the apartment the reporters were there taking pictures. "Here doggy! Doggy! Good Doggy!" Kurt took pictures of the Coyote hamming it up. "That's it! Work the camera baby!"

"Be sure to get my good side!" Coyote posed. "I should have been a model! Can certainly give Tyra Banks a run for her money!"

And of course Darkstar and Starchild were back as well. "Twice in one fic, that's a record," Darkstar grumbled. "Have the police any idea where Dukes is?"

"No," Althea answered.

"You think they'll find him?" Starchild asked.

"I know they will," Althea said.

"Anything else to say about the case?" Kurt asked.

"Yes it's putting me way behind on my drinking," She quipped.

"What's your next plan?" Kurt asked.

"We're going home to rest from our vacation," Todd said. "All right fellas that's a wrap! Get your souvenirs from the gift shop below in the lobby." He showed them out the door and soon the three of them were alone. "Wonderful. Back to California."

"Swimming pools and movie stars here I come!" Coyote grinned.

"My lord man I give you three murders and you're **still** not satisfied," Althea noticed Todd's expression.

"That's not the **only** thing he's not satisfied on if you get my drift," Coyote snickered.

"Why don't you go play fetch on the freeway?" Todd snapped. He turned to Althea. "Al why don't you stay here and find Dukes?"

"I did," She told him. "It was his body we found buried down in the shop."

"WHAT?" Todd yelled. "Are you serious? But they said it was…"

"Just a little trick the murderer decided to play," Althea shrugged. "It's pretty obvious if you think about it. The belt for instance. It was too well preserved. I mean all the other clothes and the body was destroyed so why not the belt? Too obvious. The person who killed him assumed that all skeletons looked alike. The murderer also forgot to move the metal object stuck in Dukes' stomach. Besides the skeleton was over six feet tall and unusually large. As if it was made to support a large weight and who **else** has a skeleton like that around here?"

"Wait," Todd held up his hand. "So Dukes is in the basement? He's been dead right?"

"For months," Althea nodded.

"They he couldn't have killed those people!" Todd said. "We gotta tell Rogue!"

"Not just yet," Althea held up her hand.

"Why not? The poor kid's been going crazy and Logan…" Todd began.

"Can't tell him that yet either," Althea grinned. "I take my bets seriously. I have a plan. You got that nice tuxedo back from the cleaners?"

"Yeah, but what does **that** have to do with anything?" Todd asked.

"We're gonna give a little party," Althea grinned. "And invite all the suspects."

"You think they'll come?"

"They will if Logan issues the invitations."

"So who do you think did it?" Todd asked.

"Mystique," Althea said. "Alvers, Pietro, Lucid, Matthews, Remy…What were you doing on the ninth of June?"

To this Todd responded by throwing a pillow at her. "You know you're getting to be quite lethal with those things!"

**So who is the murderer? Stay tuned to find out! Or if you've already read the original you know who it is but…stay tuned anyway! **


	10. And The Murderer Is

**And The Murderer Is…**

The next evening there was a fancy dinner being planned in a private dining room in the hotel. Todd and Althea were dressed in their best evening clothes. They were going over the guest list and making sure everything was ready. "Okay I'll be at the head of the table with you by my right," Althea said. She was wearing an elegant black dress. "I'll put Kelly on the other side. He can help me with the other nuts."

"Not to mention get a great view of how I eat my soup," Todd grinned. He was wearing a fancy tuxedo. "This sounds like a great party already! Who are you going to put there?"

"I think I'll put Mystique next to Kelly."

"They hate each other."

"Then I'll **definitely** put them together," Althea set the place card. "I'll leave a space open between her and Lance. I have a feeling he won't be alone. Put Duncan here. Tabitha Smith here. Lucid here. Pietro here. Then Rogue, Remy and whatever…Put Logan at the head. I need him there in case trouble starts. And knowing this group it probably will."

"This is gonna be a fun party," Todd grinned. "Are you sure one of these people did it?"

"Positive."

"Well I'd wish you'd tell me who it is!"

"I'd wish **you'd** tell **me!**" Althea said. "That would make everything easier!"

"Where do I sit?" Coyote asked.

"In the corner," Althea pointed. "You have a nice little food bowl over there."

"That's not fair!" Coyote pouted.

"You think that's fair, why not take a look at the help?" Logan snorted as he walked in.

The headwaiter was Magneto and the other waiters under him were Sabertooth, Sinister, Mesmero and Cortez. "This is so degrading," Sinister grumbled.

"I hate fan fiction writers," Magneto growled. "I can't believe this! The Master of Magnetism reduced to being a headwaiter!"

"Still better than being married to Mystique," Sabertooth shrugged.

"Well **that's** for sure," Sinister agreed.

"Let's get this party started!" Todd clapped his hands.

Mystique, Kelly, Remy, and Pietro were escorted in by the police. Neither Kelly nor Mystique were happy but Pietro was clearly having a ball. "I love parties don't you?"

"Oh shut up you little twit!" Kelly snapped.

"Great! First my husband disappears, then my daughter disappears!" Mystique groaned. "Now I'm forced come to a lousy party with idiots! Where could she be?"

"Don't worry mother," Pietro preened. "You still have me."

"Yeah **that's **a comfort!" Mystique snapped.

"I know **exactly **where she is," Scott said as he entered the room, dragging a tipsy Rogue and Evan in. "Come on you two!"

"Rogue!" Remy was shocked.

"They both tried to slip out of town," Scott said.

"I did not!" Rogue hiccupped. "You just happened to interrupt me at a very important time in my life. I was about to take my first false step! Hic!"

"Don't look at me man," Evan hiccupped. "She just picked me up in a bar last night."

"Oooh! What's this?" Rogue looked at the table. "A party? Goody! We're going to celebrate Daddy's third murder!"

"By the way Remy you're sitting next to those two at dinner," Althea told him.

"If I do I'm gonna punch that guy right in the nose!" Remy snapped.

"Why do you think I put you there?" Althea said. "Here comes more guests."

"Leggo my arm you creep!" Tabitha balked as Xi escorted her in with Lucid. "I ain't got nothing to do with this!"

"We just wanted you two to attend our little party," Althea said.

Duncan was dragged in next. "Ain't you guys sick of dragging me around?" He looked at Tabitha. "What's going on?"

"Search me! You know about this as much as I do!" Tabitha shrugged.

Sabertooth walked over there with a tray of drinks. "Have a cocktail."

"No thanks," Duncan grumbled.

"I SAID HAVE A COCKTAIL!" Sabertooth snapped.

"I think he wants us to have a cocktail," Tabitha gulped. She and Duncan nervously took a drink.

"The last two suspects…I mean guests are coming up," Logan said.

"You're such a great help to a hostess," Althea said. "I wish I had you for all my dinner parties."

Officers Sam and Roberto walked in escorting Lance and Kitty. Neither looked happy to be there. "Lance where have you been?" Mystique shot up. "And who's **she?"**

"Sorry we're late but we kind of had to break the door down if you get my drift," Sam coughed.

"Lance how could you?" Mystique shouted.

"How could he not?" Sabertooth chuckled.

"SHUT UP AND SERVE ME SOME DRINKS!" Mystique snapped.

"I think it's time we were all seated," Todd said. "Okay Kelly you're here, Rogue you're here. Mrs. Alvers sits next to Lance."

"Out of my way! I'm Mrs. Alvers!" Mystique snapped as Kitty took the seat next to Lance.

"Move it sister," Kitty snarled back. "I was Mrs. Alvers long before you were!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE…" Mystique lunged at her.

"MYSTIQUE NO!" Althea stopped her. "We don't have time for you to trash another set. Just sit down! All right! The reason I arranged this little get together is that I have important news. I've seen Fred Dukes."

Everyone seemed shocked. "You did?" Logan was surprised.

"That's nothing," Mystique sniffed. "I saw him myself."

"Oh really?" Althea asked as she sat down.

"Yeah that's a feat," Todd grumbled. "OW! Al don't kick me!"

"When did you see him Mystique?" Logan asked.

"Last night," She said. "He came to my apartment, asked how the children were. That sort of thing. He didn't say much. He was wearing brown shoes and a brown suit…"

"I saw him too!" Pietro jumped in. "He was wearing a green suit and black shoes and…"

"What the hell are you talking about you loon?" Mystique snapped. "You weren't even there!"

"I know that but I saw him just the same!" Pietro said.

"Where did you see him?" Logan asked.

"In my crystal ball," Pietro said proudly.

"Avalanche, you know the stuff you take for your headaches?" Logan closed his eyes. "I want some."

"Yeah like that stuff works," Coyote laughed.

"Shut up!" Lance snapped at the Coyote.

"Waiter serve the nuts," Todd ordered. "I mean, serve the guests the nuts."

"You were right the first time," Logan said.

"Sorry Mystique, but I'm afraid you're lying," Althea said. "You see I really did see Dukes last night."

"And where did you see him? And more importantly why didn't you tell me?" Logan snapped.

"Because I found out for certain that he didn't do any of the murders," Althea said. "I have proof."

"How can you prove that? Where is he?" Logan asked.

"Where we left him," Althea said. "You saw him last night."

"I did?" Logan asked.

"It was his body we found in the shop," Althea said.

"WHAT?" Everyone yelled.

"Rogue I'm sorry you had to find out about it like this but Dukes has been dead a long time," Althea said. "At least three months. So he couldn't have done the murders."

"Oh!" She started to sob.

"I'm sorry, Rogue but don't you think it's better this way?" Remy asked as he hugged her.

"Better? What kind of remark is that?" Evan asked. "So grief counselor you are! Look I'll take it from here…" He tried to comfort her but ended up with a sock to the jaw from Remy. "Ow…"

"Oh waiter, kindly remove **that,**" Althea pointed to Evan's body on the floor. Sabertooth dragged it away. "The news doesn't seem to bother you Mystique."

"Because I don't believe it," She huffed. "I really did see Fred last night. That's my story and I'm sticking with it."

"Sorry Mystique but he's deader than a doornail and the murderer is at this table," Todd told her.

"That's my line!" Althea looked at him.

"You can have it back," Todd said. "I'm done with it."

"Why don't you explain from the beginning?" Logan groaned. "And try to keep the one liners to a minimum?"

"Okay here goes," Althea began. "Jean was cheating on Fred and splitting the take with someone else. Dukes found and abut it and was sore. Matthews…"

"You're not pinning this on me!" Duncan shouted.

"I just want to ask you a question," Althea said. "Did you know Jean was cheating Dukes?"

"Yeah," Duncan nodded. "She didn't say she did but I figured it. One time I told her I needed five grand and she gives it to me just like that."

"Uh huh," Althea nodded. "Well Dukes confronted that man and with no option but prison staring him in the face, he killed Dukes. After he killed him he called Kelly and told him to close the shop up, using Dukes' name of course. He somehow destroyed the body using the chemicals in the shop except for the skeleton and the watch chain. He figured that might come in handy later. He even put in a fake belt with the initials on it so we'd think it was someone else. Remember that metal donut we found?"

"That's right!" Rogue remembered. "Fred swallowed it by accident and it got stuck in his body! So that's how you knew it was him!"

"That and the size of the skeleton," Althea said.

"It couldn't have been him! He's still alive I tell you!" Mystique snapped.

"Shut up you! Go on Al," Logan said.

"Well after our hero disposed of the body, he or she had a brilliant idea," Althea went on. "This person realized that he or she and Jean could still collect money. Dukes was supposed to be gone, no one would be the wiser. He even telephoned Kelly, but somehow he managed to do it when he wasn't in the office."

"That's right!" Kelly said. "So I wouldn't be able to recognize the voice!"

"How'd he do that?" Todd asked.

"How should I know?" Althea gave him a look. "It was a great scheme. Until Mystique decided to pay a little visit to Jean. The murderer panicked, thinking Jean would betray him for some reason and killed her himself. Or herself. And he or she left Dukes' watch chain behind."

"Is that true?" Todd whispered to Althea.

"I dunno," She muttered to him. "It's the only way that makes sense." She addressed the group again. "The plan was perfect. The watch chain was handed over to the cops…eventually so that they would think Dukes killed her. There was only one flaw in the plan. A little creep named Iceman had paid a visit to Jean that day and saw her killer. The murderer paid him off too to keep his mouth shut but when Bobby Boy threatened to spill the beans he killed him too. Our murderer was very clever but had one problem. No one had seen Fred. So at the last minute he decided to strike a deal with Mystique to say that she saw Dukes. Mystique here is the only person who can tell us who the murderer is. Okay Mystique, who told you to say that you saw Dukes?"

"Hold it! How do we know she ain't the murderer?" Todd interrupted.

"Because if she was we'd have seen Dukes already," Althea told him. "Shape shifter remember?"

"I would have done that," Mystique admitted. "Pretty clever. But since Dukes is alive I don't need to!"

"How much did he pay or promise to pay you to stick to that story?" Althea asked.

"Nobody paid me anything!" Mystique snapped.

"You're lying, but then you'd do anything for money!" Althea snapped back.

"That's for sure!" Sabertooth called out.

"You keep out of this!" Mystique snapped at him.

"Let me make this easier for you," Althea said. "Kelly, you drew up Dukes' will right? Mystique was cut off is she ever remarried, wasn't she?"

"I can't tell you that!" Kelly snapped.

"I can!" Lucid called out. "I heard Dukes tell me all about it! It's true!" Kelly and Mystique glared at him but he merely stuck his tongue out at them.

"Well then Kitty… Or should I say Mrs. Alvers?" Althea asked. "When did you get divorced from Lance?"

"I never did," Kitty said.

"WHAT?" Mystique shouted. "BUT THAT MEANS…"

"We've been letting this loser sponge off of our family for no reason!" Rogue shouted.

"That's right Mystique," Althea went in for the kill. "So according to the law you never remarried! That makes you one of the heirs! So what are you holding out for? A few crummy bucks when you can have the whole estate? And remember what happened to the other two who were in with him on this! Jean and Bobby? When he thought they might spill something he bumped them off! You ought to know damn well that he's not gonna take any chances on you! What do you wanna do? Be next on the list?"

Furious Mystique whirled on Kelly. "Why you dirty son of a…!"

Kelly rose to his feet pointing a gun at her only to be punched out by Althea. Todd used his tongue to grab the gun and it fired harmlessly into the air. After Kelly was disarmed Althea punched him out. "There's your murderer! Edward Kelly!"

"KELLY?" Logan shouted.

"What else do you want me to do?" Althea asked. "Wrap him up in cellophane?"

"Kind of obvious if you think about it," Todd nodded. "Al I'm so glad you're not a detective!"

"Now **I** need that headache medicine," Althea groaned.

"That's right! I did it!" Kelly shouted as Scott and Sam placed him in handcuffs. "And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling mutants!"

"Ah shaddap and take him away!" Logan snapped.

"Well that's the end of…" Althea began when something interrupted her. "What's that noise?"

"AAHHHH!" Xavier wheeled out, his foot bleeding. "I've been shot! That idiot shot me in the foot! It figures! The **one thing** I've felt from the waist down in over twenty years…That's it! This fic is over! Closed! I can't take it anymore!"

"Thank god!" Rogue stood up. "I am out of here!"

"Me and Mystique! Blech!" Lance stuck out his tongue.

"It wasn't exactly a thrill for me either!" Mystique snapped. "And now that this fic is over!" She leapt at Kitty and the two women started fighting.

"I got five on Kitty!" Lance called out.

"Ten on Mystique!" Sabertooth shouted.

"I tell you one thing we are not doing the sequel!" Scott snapped.

"Technically there were several movies in the Thin Man series," Althea said. "Six in all."

"SIX? SIX! FORGET IT!" Xavier shouted. "ONE WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH!"

"Even the remake of this was more than enough!" Pietro agreed. "Go Kitty go! Great right hook!"

"Somebody let me out of these handcuffs!" Kelly shouted.

"Maybe later," Xi grinned.

"WHAT?" Kelly shouted.

"I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION HERE!" Xavier shouted.

"SPEAKING OF ATTENTION I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE SCENES!" Coyote shouted.

"No I should have!" Pietro snapped. Soon he and the Coyote were having a screaming match.

"Great both of them in **stereo**…" Lance moaned.

**Okay so I hope you people enjoyed the remake of this fic. And now you know why it took me so long to redo this one. And knowing is a great reason to go out to the bars. Something tells me it's gonna be a long time before I do another one folks. A really long time. **

**Merry Christmas Everyone! **

**Red Witch**


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